Raw Transcript: The Best Of BIDEN & TRUMP with @KillTony Adam Ray, Shane Gillis

ladies and gentlemen I present to you the current truly the real president of the United States of America this is Joe [Music] [Music] Biden you can do better than that make some goddamn noise for your president no Joe this way this is it over here Joe Joe no Joe over here [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] wow oh my God unbelievable this my fellow Americans I want to I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president to run this country quick shout shout out to the moderators in the back for keeping this debate going there's no moderators Joe you're on kill Tony huh is anybody told you where you're at [Laughter] [Applause] tonight Ryan Redban Brian Redban everybody how the hell do you know who Brian Redban is I follow him on Facebook post a lot of butthole pictures all right W so oh my [Music] God okay oh here we go how are we America we feeling good how we feeling America [ __ ] is wild out there for you right now coming off of wild wild times we're doing it we're doing it though we're doing we we we do we what we did what we did when we and we for the co what we did for Co that's right when we did for we beat we be and that's why we do it that's what that's what we we beat Medicare wow we took our Medicare plus and Megatron and the rest of the GI Joe Bangarang hook look I'll tell you something I was when I was 10 years old I used to ride a bike we had all sorts of bikes back then we had wheel get this liquid death away you already have enough Death Around you Mr President we're going to yeah I can't have water after 400 p.m. oh hey hey all right how many times you going to do that tonight a [ __ ] so Mr President I don't know I don't know if you know where you are how the show works but I'm going to give you a little rundown over 250 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket huh well 250 comedians signed up for a if I if I pull their name out they get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear sounds like sounds like [Applause] Kamala all right [ __ ] h no [ __ ] you too late too [ __ ] late it's America you got yeah yeah all right Mr President what' you think about that here's a deal folks you look like if somebody [ __ ] a lint trap without a condom thank you Mr Biden I'm a big [Laughter] fan it's how I picked the candidate like The Bachelor ad I moros am I supposed to suck your dick now or what do I do what do I do whatever you want you're the president of the United States I'll give it to my wife you know my wife Jill love her yeah she's one of the best don't you [ __ ] lie to me right now I love her no I love her man you're funny you're funny you did you did the thing you did the you did what we all did you get up here you go for it you you do it you did it well I just feel like nobody can stop me right now I feel Unstoppable I feel good I got a rose from a muppet I never met a real puppet without the guy inside of him that was insane right there I feel good right now the band's here give it up for the kill Tony Band everybody let's [ __ ] go it's one of the biggest moments of my life I'm feeling good right now I had a shitty time on the debate and I came to kill Tony to turn things around I'm going to [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] up tonight if that's all right with you guys you mind if I [ __ ] [ __ ] up tonight look how quick I got up I got a golden ticket I'm feeling good right now I got Brian redband to my left I got Tony hinchcliff to my other left you guys excited to be here tonight my wife Jill is at home right now giving herself a dutch oven you guys excited to be here tonight I can't be stopped I can't be stopped I love this country and I love what I do I'm telling you I ain't going anywhere no one's taking me down I'm going to stay here forever I'm going go I'm going to go for four more year I'm going go I'm going stay here right now Tony I'm going for four more years I'm going for four more years stay with me four more years four more years stay with me four more years four more years no one's going to stop wait what in the world what's that TR it is our responsibility and our duty to confront this danger together wait a second oh my God wow oh my God you [Applause] guys this is an unbelievable moment you do not look good Joe bid sit out so scared don't what an unbelievable experience it is what a great show this could be instead we've got an absolute idiot here running the show this is a moment we will never forget this is incredible what a shocking surprise no one more shocked than President Joe Biden it seems he looked he look so scared who just [ __ ] my [Applause] pants Oh my my God this is an incredible moment in the history of the show oh there's the lovely Heidi everybody oh hey what a great lady I talked to her backstage and wonderful woman the tits are real excuse me excuse me a lot of people are saying her tits are fake they're not fake I touch them and great tits wonderful tits American tits and that's that's the thing that we've lost under this Administration where are the American tits anymore four years ago they were American tits now there's no American tits Mexican tits Mexican tits are streaming up the border and no one's stopping it fentanyl tits fentol okay one shock in your dead can you believe this this would never unimaginable what's happened to this country we're fine we're fine hey I I smelled her tits too they're great everything's great we're fine now we are fine then we're fine hey you're the sucker I bet I can I bet I can smell her I bet I I bet I can do it first Joe you're an idiot please stop hey hey say it to my face [Applause] come on huh come on you want to race up some stairs come on Joe everybody's seen you race you can't race so we're g to watch comedians do 60 seconds oh God this is unbelievable how do you feel like that wi Matt oh it was okay Tony I think it was okay according to you it was not it [Applause] was frankly you should be embarrassed about it I would not good not good yeah there's the first thing we agree on that was dog [ __ ] oh man he pulled them in he pulled them in with the handshake you have a lot of work to do you should stop collecting bugs and get a job I mean what are you doing we got plenty of job what are you really doing we got the most jobs right now we got the most jobs you can work here you can work outside you can work inside you can work upstairs or downstairs I don't keep the bugs I don't like the bugs in my house what do you do with the bugs I just inspect them I'll I'll view them from like a a safe distance and kind of observe what kind of bug last hookup you had where was that how long ago was that uh [ __ ] Connecticut wow it was like a five months ago or something yeah it was it it it was long time ago yeah how so you got [ __ ] five months ago you could say that for a guy who collects bugs frankly that's not bad [Laughter] [Applause] honestly a a sad woman in Connecticut [ __ ] the Bug Guy and now she's watching this right now she's at home going I [ __ ] that guy and he collects bugs in a jar [Music] H do you make the Bugs watch when you [ __ ] her I do I'm asking for a friend I have I it's it's better that way did you hear that red band you look like you sold the bugs to the last [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] guy you got married again so you've been married twice three three times you got married honestly that's not that [Applause] [Laughter] bad yeah coming from a guy who likes to watch women change wait what who doesn't want to watch women I saw I saw it on the internet sorry I love to watch them change he doesn't your wife changed into the Afterlife [Applause] hey hey you want a knuckle sandwich give me a punch sound effect Red [Laughter] Band perfect take take that your your Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer what' you stick your dick in a bucket of Mountain Dew listen to this guy listen to this Joe you could do nothing to me I would hurt you severely and everyone here knows it I would beat Joe's ass so badly frankly oh yeah hit me R man I got him look it up you're going to be very very surprised that this guy this man showered with his daughter do you believe this till she was 13 I love my family she wanted kids I was like ah kids are great when they turn 13 you can shower with them so she wanted kids you didn't you liked pulling out and spraying where on her F it's your answer it's your answer where did you come on this woman why didn't you want to come inside of Bru where did you prefer to come I would come in her mouth I would come in your ex-wife's mouth of course you would you're coming in America's mouth right now you're exactly right Joe I'm coming on their back like an American you're coming in their mouth like some okay so you're a sucker wait no timy red man no oh an elbow your parents still together no okay how long have they been separated for almost 10 years probably so that affected you deeply when you were about 11 years old something like that not really too bad how did they break the news to you that they were separated they just called us out to the back porch one by one let us know the back porch it was a nice moment it wasn't nothing I'll be your dad Don you be his mom let's recreate get out here little man come here we got something to being your a piece of [ __ ] father have something to say yeah you been you you're you're not you're not you're not doing it what did I tell you as a young boy you got to do it they broke up they broke up because of you it turns out K it was all my fault what did I not do I don't know you you're always golfing if you're gay just tell us it's fine we've known you're gay you are gay we know you're gay we saw the way you look at Jonathan Taylor Thomas you being gay has shattered this family frankly broke us apart we can't eat dinner in the house anymore your father and I are disgusted because you are gay why can't you why can't you meet some nice girl that Hawk to is all over your [ __ ] is that your first gun in AR-15 it's my second I have a shadow systems mr920 l Jesus Christ when they say it like that you know they mean business and if you're at the pittsb [Applause] [ __ ] shut the shut the [ __ ] up I had a few Bud Lights I'm going to turn into sleepy Joe in a minute we're both we're both going to be doing a Joe Biden impression i' like to see it turn into me hit me Red Band got [ __ ] Dam it red B Red Band you are a [ __ ] [Laughter] [Applause] idiot we Dave and Busters what was that hey congrats you got the high score in ski ball again what the [ __ ] I've never played SK ball I have never never once played ski ball oh that's what you want a guy who's never played ski ball in American treasure you don't even know who Harrison Ford is oh please for transitioning our lives but right now I'm working at Trader Joe's okay what are you doing at Trader Joe's uh just like Trader Joe that's what we call this guy he's sold out this country [Music] yes oh yeah look at look at look at this guy over here huh no you just you just got [ __ ] up Mr President he just he just got you real good there I feel like I just tripped up some stairs after that one this might be the first episode where I literally pass out in the middle of the show The Blood rushing to my head welcome to my world I should be in bed right now with a melatonin and a book but I'm staying awake for kill Tony baby you look like the security guard for the Ninja Turtles damn so now you own a tattoo shop is there anything you miss about Tacoma walk they're coming up through the sewers as well [Applause] oh [ __ ] oh my God I'm going take a nap Tony don't take Britney Martinez are you also voting Trump giving her the microphone and who are you voting for for this beautiful redheaded man right here wow that would be presidentti wait wait maybe I can change your mine with a back rub oh oh Joe watch out this guy will [ __ ] kill you he's aiming an imaginary gun suck my dick [Applause] [Music] Pedro can I tell you something I'm good friends with Kodak Black and he comes tomorrow logo he has a great time and what do you think of that oh yeah [ __ ] you free Kodak free Kodak free ASAP I'm over trunk [ __ ] hey wait wait wait wait wait wait hey what I know the guy who plays Steve URL come on give me some come on can you do some [ __ ] like that [ __ ] [ __ ] old ass [ __ ] [ __ ] they my dog they my twin right here my slime why are you tougher to understand than [Laughter] me you f to die up here old ass [ __ ] didn't get that either why do you look like that are you one of the kids from the Nickelodeon [Laughter] documentary Clarissa Explains It All huh Black Friday used to mean something now it's just what does it mean now president what does Black Friday mean to you oh it's a great holiday it's a time when black people can buy TVs and printers we can cut this [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] out uhoh hey hey let's see you do that M oh [ __ ] did you just challenge Joe Biden to a dance off oh my God that sounds crazy [Applause] [Music] oh [ __ ] [Music] [Music] W oh my [Music] god wow oh my god wow sh it's shooting shoting wow that was take that without a doubt take that you sucker that's a hand job from a Sesame Street character yeah Tony how many more [ __ ] guys do you have back anything can happen this crowd is hungry for more [ __ ] guys and frankly I don't think we've seen enough [ __ ] guys how about a [ __ ] racist would you like to see this next person could be one I pulled it out of the bucket it is the kill Tony debut I do believe of Jacob bar everybody Jacob bar oh my God holy [ __ ] thank you well well well oh my God okay careful what you wish for okay hold on we're going to reset this jacob going to give you a nice clean slate in a full 60 seconds we w expecting that holy [ __ ] [ __ ] man ladies and gentlemen one more time for Jacob bar thank you thank you thank you what did you say about your [ __ ] being broken or something oh yeah yeah so I was I was born without an [ __ ] I have cron so I got a lot of [ __ ] and stuff so wait you were born without an [ __ ] did they make you one what is they made you one yeah yeah they used a surgical hole punch you one of those right under under my Administration [Laughter] Tony frankly under my Administration no men will have [ __ ] you can have whatever you want if I get reelected okay we'll make a new butt we'll put a [ __ ] in your butt how about that you'll have the first ever [ __ ] butt you can [ __ ] it yourself hey come stretch me out Joe come stretch me out no that's a hard pass but we'll make you a [ __ ] butt [ __ ] butt is on the table for you Jacob bar there's going to be [ __ ] butts can you imagine better than my main one I used to have a colostomy bag yeah that's before I had a real [ __ ] I had a bag extremely sad scar you can see it oh [ __ ] wow there it is absolutely incredible a giant scar being one of the least creepy things about you Jacob it's amazing what's your now when Dr Grant Stood Still why couldn't you see him it's a Jurassic Park joke that was so good you stupid [ __ ] didn't get it you see that's what you're going to get with Trump movie references from before 1995 1997 great year for Jurassic Park [ __ ] uh uh that's not it uh uh uh that's not it uh uh uh that's not it hey there you go I know he's not in that movie no it's just going to pay off trust me ready okay I don't want to [ __ ] it up oh I go you you be the you be Laura D I'll be Samuel Jackson no no B oh he's he's giving him the jacket Biden becoming more easily mobile as The Show Goes On oh he snipped up up oh [ __ ] he just did a line of that guy and the punch noise what is that L'Oreal what are you wearing yeah hey well now I smell like [ __ ] Mr President all right give me my jacket back good you're good stay warm Jacob bar b a r r any relation to Rosanne no uh I can't watch you do this no no shut the [ __ ] get the [ __ ] away from me man I got this watch me struggle I got this you got it baby that's an American putting their mind and their heart together to make something happen that's a true American right there wow there we go half he did it halfway just like an American there you go hey you should you should vote for me I I stood for BLM black large [Laughter] [Music] [ __ ] that's [ __ ] dumb when you birth a child with no [ __ ] and [ __ ] pterodactyl arms you supposed to put that niggaer on the G real he ain't even supposed to live just go ahead and eat that [ __ ] bro he he's not a productive member to society oh my God the [ __ ] what can that [ __ ] change in life nothing he can't even L he can't even put lotion on his kneecap that neither can you no I don't believe it no that's CGI president Trump what do you say when you're about to come I say I'm about to come I say I'm going to come I say hold on watch out cuz there's going to be a lot of it and if there was ever a nasty woman like you underneath it I'd say move get out of the way there's a lot of [ __ ] headed your way [ __ ] here's my here's my impression of you getting ready to come ready oh yeah oh yeah oh hey you seen Jurassic Park 3 yeah the one with Jeff Goldblum yeah yeah no the second President Biden what do you say when you're about to come he says hi I'm Dr Phil see me on the [Applause] road it is a good time for me to mention that uh Joe Biden wanted me to say that I uh that Adam Ray's new special is out on YouTube it's called like And subscribe on Adam Ray's YouTube Sounds uh sounds sounds jewy I don't know a lot of people say this is one of the best shows that's ever happened probably the best show I'm not tired or have to piss incredibly bad I'll tell you what when you have to pee and that guy's [ __ ] screaming it really hurts so wrap it up please yeah we [Applause] grew uh how about a hand for the president of the United States Donald Trump everybody watch tires on Netflix Shaya mat secr pod patreon all of it one more time for Joe Biden ladies and gentlemen the new for the record I can hold my pee for another 15 minutes the new special and might come the special on you Adam Ray's YouTube It's called like And subscribe speaking of which like And subscribe this show right now on this YouTube [Music]