Raw Transcript
Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day hope. What's it back? Part of it was rolling. Adam Ray, my man. Good to see you. Uh, guest of the year, Kill Tony. How's it feel? Feels great. Did you get a a belt or anything? Some sort of a cup? I should have. Some sort of a cup. Like a Stanley Cup. Tony, always shortch changing the gifts. That [ __ ] Uh, that was the last time I saw you, I think, when I was a jacket. That's what it should be. Guess. That's not a great idea. That's a great idea. We made these um for the end of the Phil Dr. Phil um tour, which by the way, we have our very last one at the Wilter on December 16th. If anyone wants You ever had Dr. Phil on as a guest? Yes. Remember for the Netflix special? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. He It was so funny. We were in the green room. I met him like an hour before and he goes uh he goes, "No, it's your show, but I'm going to [ __ ] with you." and I'm dressed as him and I go, "Well, I know you better than you know yourself, [ __ ] So, strap in." And he was like, "Oh, shit." And he was dying and laughing. But the last time I saw you, I think I was Tony, right? The mothership. Yeah. The difference is like doing it on your show when you're doing the Dr. Phil show. Yeah. Yeah. That's a different thing. I felt oddly, you know, the whole show is improvised, so it's a wild thing to do an unscripted show with somebody you have no rapport with. When I've had And you're doing an impression of him. Totally. So, I'm trying to go I think everything I'm gonna do is hunky dory with him, but like I don't know if I'm gonna press the wrong button. Like at one point I think we he said something where I go I go, "Well, marriage is tough." I go, "But we keep it fresh in the bedroom, right?" And he goes, "Okay, well, watch yourself." And I go I was like, "We don't use butt plugs." And but he was he was such a he rolled with everything, man. I'm good friends with his son, Jordan. Jay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got to know. uh Jordan uh who kind of helped facilitate the whole thing. He kind of got in his ear and was like this thing is pretty awesome and it's making you you know making both of them favors totally and not and and I'm just glad that because you never know like I could have two days in gotten a letter was just like enough's enough easily. We I I actually ended the Netflix special with showing his signed contract like to the camera being like, "Look, no cease and desist." But, you know, you never know. But it's parody. He's a really good guy. Yeah. And and laughing at yourself is such a man, I you know what I'm saying? like it. I started talking about this on stage where it's just like the people that I am friends with that like that aren't comics that I'll be in, you know, hangs with that like if I, you know, bust their balls and they get a little weird about it, it's like, oh man, like you're a bummer. Not only for right now in the hang, but just this bleeds into other facets of your life. You got to be being self-deprecating. And you know, within context, obviously if someone's just, you know, you know, just making fun of you, you know, just being mean. Just being mean. There's a difference. There's a difference between me and me and being funny. Yeah. But like like Tony for example, like doing Tony on Kill Tony. I remember I was in Portland or in Eugene at my buddy's club, Olson Run Comedy Club. Shout out great club. And I'm there and I tell the story about how Shane and uh I the Biden Trump thing came together cuz a buddy of mine asked me, he's like, "You and Shane must do you uh have been best friends like 10 years ago. We literally that was probably the sixth time we've ever talked to each other. So we're getting to know each other in full makeup for two plus hours. That's a weird way to build a [ __ ] friendship." Yeah. And so I had you guys are so good at bouncing off of crowds and off of each other. It was seamless, right? It was really fun, man. Yeah. There's something cool about jumping in the bit boat with somebody that's just like, "Oh, I just want to make the other person laugh." Like I got comfy cuz he's Shane. He'd been nice about the Phil stuff, but like, you know, he he was definitely established as Shane Gillis. So it's like, and it's Trump and Biden's trying to find I'm trying to find my ways to be a sniper when he's not known for being funny. But as soon as I got out there and I had the frozen eyes and I was like and Shane started to break out, that made me feel really comfortable when Shane like couldn't keep it together. But so my this kid in line at the meet and greet goes, "You should do uh Tony on Kill Tony." Because I tell the story of how Tony was like, "Shane's going to do Trump. You got to do Biden. I bought a new vest. It's going down, baby." You know, I do all that and the guy's like, "You should do Tony." And I was like, I kind of scoffed it off. And then I texted him and I said, "What would you think about me dressing up as you?" and he just texted her back in all caps. Absolutely. It'll be your best character yet. And then, but we while we're doing this, um, unfortunately, people can't see anything. So, you know, they just see us, but I I want to show. Okay. Cuz it's so crazy how close you get to him. It's kind of eerie. Like, I didn't see it in how your face structure changed. Like, you look like a different person. It was like you you had become Tony. Like you do a weird thing when you do characters. Like you you oddly become that person. Like give me some volume of this. Oh, the beginning. Yeah. Give it up for Oh my god, dude. Who's ready for the best [ __ ] night of their lives? Bro, it's like you got a different face. Yeah, you did something weird. You did something weird. Yeah, they taped my ears back a little bit to push his ears out. And then the teeth are the same. I just got the clothes down the hair. I mean, you look oddly like him. Yeah, it's wild. Less like you than him. Yeah, I would think that's more Tony Hinchcliffe doing an Adam Ray impersonation. You know was the best is uh Woody Harelson was there that night and comes up to me after and he's like uh he's like man he's like that [ __ ] was [ __ ] crazy man. He's like I don't know what was going on or what you had to do. I was like I watched the intro a bunch. I've known Tony since we both started. And he goes you kind of got a little Johnny Depp going on with that thing. So then I started going I go Woody. I go maybe I am Johnny Depp. Maybe I'm Johnny playing Tony. And then he was like what the [ __ ] man bro? You should totally do that. Johnny is the pirate. That's not a bad idea. It's a [ __ ] great idea. I just heard your accent kill 100%. And full pirate guard. Yes. Jack Sparrow. Just come out. Jack Sparrow. I'm a big fan of Hornskum. Hornskum. Dude, that's a great idea. 100%. Has to be done. Yeah. Real understated. Has to be done. That is your next big character. Oh my god. Oh my god. The Amber Herd jokes are endless. Oh my god. Endless. Well, oh my god. I was just like, what sort of a pot could he pull from to kind of cocaine? Yeah. And maybe every time he likes somebody, he goes, I'm going to give you the Joanie dip bracelet of approval. And he gives him like a bracelet like it's a great idea. Wow, Joe. All right. This perfect character for you. People have pitched me to do You should have a treasure chest filled with cocaine. Can we delete this from the podcast so we can save it or No way. This is great. A treasure chest filled with coke. Oh my god. Bring out a treasure chest filled with baby powder. Just about like 10 lbs of baby powder and just in between instead of Heidi bringing out drinks, she brings me bags of coke and I'm just blowing lines. A [ __ ] full treasure chest, bro. That's so funny. Parrot parody. A real parrot. No, no, no. Real parrot would probably freak out and have a hard time. Yeah, we did I did just uh so I tried this new character called Bruce Robbins at the comedy store. He's like a mentalist magician and it's going to drop on my YouTube in a couple weeks and I rented an owl for 1,200 bucks. A like Harlon said he knew the type of owl Harlon was on the show too. A Eurasian I think owl. He said it's the biggest owl. Whoa. This thing was so the whole bit was this character Bruce Robbins. He's got like a big blonde qua big bow teeth and you know kind of from the south talks like this real fast you know and you know I'm a magician. I'm a for former real estate agent too but you know magic is my healing power. And so the bit was bringing out this owl that was like a psychic owl. And so people would ask it questions, but I had my buddy who does a really good Morgan Freeman do voice over. So then I would hold the mic up to the owl's face and then you would play the Morgan Freeman. So like somebody goes uh you know how many uh or is somebody asked is democracy uh you know is democracy ruined or are we going to save it in this country? And we had a bunch of canned responses. And so then I go Archie what do you think about Archie the Psychic Gal? Is democracy going to be saved or ruined? And then you just hear Morgan Freeman go gay. I go thanks for thanks. Any other questions we got? You know, but uh but a real parrot for giant up would be wild. Maybe or maybe fake. I don't think parrots would enjoy that. It probably be animal cruelty. It probably would. The large crowd of people screaming. What's your What's your creature? Uh you know, do you have any Has anyone brought What's the craziest thing someone's brought into the mother ship for like a I guess like an animal? No one's ever brought an animal. I'm trying to think Paulie brings his dog sometimes, but he's got a sweet dog. Yeah. And um um Ron's brought his dog a bunch of times. Ron's got a cute little dog. Yeah. And I'm trying to think of when we did a Dr. Phil at the mothership. We didn't have too many crazy. You ever worked with Liza? Slender. Yeah. We did a game show. She make you hold her dog. Used to make her all she just like give you a dog before she goes on stage. Take my dog and be like, "Okay." Yeah, I know. And if Thank God it's always the people that love dogs. I've held multiple dogs of hers over the years, you know, cuz dogs die. Oh yeah. She gets a new one. Bro, I She got that new one with the scars around her nose where she was uh one of those dogs that they were I mean, who knows what the [ __ ] they were going to do to it, but they had it it's it's face bound. I think she got it from China. Wow. Yeah, she did. Yeah, cuz I think she calls it like funu something. Yeah, they might. It's close. Something like that. She um which is racist. Which is racist. Yeah, very racist. Couldn't have gone with like Albert or Jill. Bro, you ever been on Blue Sky? What's that? Blue Sky is like the ultra super liberal Twitter for people like Twitter's filled with Nazis. And they ran over to Blue Sky. Uh, some guy wrote, "I'm just trying to be zen about it." And then someone under that wrote, "How about try not to be racist against Asians." Wow. For saying Zen. For saying Zen. That's I don't like that. That's crazy. That's crazy. That was one of the wildest like reaches I've ever seen in my life. Zen is a One of the best words to describe being tranquil or serene, right, is another one. Zen in the art of motorcycle repair. God damn. Zen in the art of archery. I was just talking about how my dogs are my like zen happy place. Which, by the way, imagine thinking that saying that is racist. Yeah, that's bananas. But that's how crazy this is like what you're dealing with with humans out there. Some people are just off the reservation. Yeah, you're you posted something recently or maybe you said something on a pod about like your love for Marshall and I wanted to bring this up because we're thinking about finally trying to have kids. My wife's had to go through some stuff to get us in a place to, you know, where uh where it's all right on that front. Satanic rituals, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Goat sacrifice. Yes. Goat sacrifice. She did play some song recently that's that said it was some maybe an Ariana Grande or something song. And I go I go, "Are we sacrificing a lamb in the backyard? What the [ __ ] is this?" It was just so It made me feel so old cuz it was so just and I was like I just don't I don't know who this is. But we're getting close to having kids and we have two dogs and I'm like I get emotional leaving the dogs, dude. I mean it's it's bad. Like and I don't even know how it's going to be with kids. I mean, and you can probably attest to that when you're on the road. Yeah. Yeah. I have trouble leaving. You can't even compare. When I go on the road, I know someone's taking care of my dog and he's going to be great. He's a sweetheart. He's great with everybody. I never worry about him. Right. Uh the kids are a totally different beast. Totally different beast. Oh my god. It's like you don't even you can't even imagine how you're going to love them. It's just it's it changes you as a human being because then you start to realize that everybody was a baby and that most of these [ __ ] up people in the world, they just got a bad deck of cards. It's a great way to put it. And they just been handed a [ __ ] sandwich every [ __ ] day of their life. everybody. Yeah, man. You run into them and maybe you lucky. You had really nice parents. You lived in a really nice neighborhood. You had good friends. You weren't in jail when you were 12. Yeah. You know, and so it's just you you you have more compassion for the whole world when you have kids. I could have been in jail when I was 12. I put a firework in my neighbor's mailbox. That's not good. That's not great. What if he had like a a [ __ ] lottery check in there? Could you sue over that? No. I guess there's no way to find out kill you sue. You'd rather go to jail. The money's gone, dude. The We did it. What do you have? You don't have enough money to pay for the $und00 million lottery. Oh my god. My single mom would have freaked the [ __ ] out. Imagine if they said no, you can't. The lottery is the craziest scam. It's so wild. It's legalized gambling. Yep. Everybody does it. But you know what it is? It could be you. That's the slogan that makes people go, "I never thought of it like that." But it's the dumbest scam because you have millions of people trying to win. Like at least in blackjack, you've got like a 40% chance of winning. You know, you have like [ __ ] no chance of winning. You're just donating money hoping that you're the one person out of five million, maybe even more. Maybe more. Sometimes the odds I feel like have been in like the seven billions. It's like there's a better Let's ask Let's find out how many people go like let's find a lottery like a big one. Like what's a big one? Uh Colorado State maybe. Uh what are the big ones that you hear in the news that get power? Okay, let's say power powerballs. That's a huge one. They nailed it with the title, too. Let's guess here. Let's let's say how let's find out how much how many people get paid out and how many people buy lottery tickets. How many lottery tickets are sold? Okay, let's put this into perplexity. We have an AI sponsor that can give us information. So in I talk a lot of [ __ ] and sometimes I'm absolutely wrong. So it's super important that is important to use perplexity. It's crazy when you watch it work too cuz you put in a prompt. Can you show how it's working? You put in a prompt and look it just pulls out all those articles. Oh my god. And then bam a synopsis in seconds and a knowledge dropper. Look at that. Look at that. In seconds. That's so crazy, dude. I don't think we realize how nuts that is. It really is. It's cuz guess what? Even if it was a couple seconds to compute and like process, you'd give it the time and space to figure that out cuz So here it here it goes. Um the largest Powerball drawing in US history, November 7, 2022, a jackpot of $2.04 billion. Over 100 million tickets were sold for a single major drawing as the jackpot approached the billion dollar mark. For instance, when the jackpot reached 1.1 billion in another high-profile drawing, America's bought more than 111 million tickets. And similar or greater sales occurred for historical record draws like the 2.04 billion event. So, only one person gets paid. No. Well, though there's smaller jackpots. Yeah, you can hit a few numbers. So, there's $20 million range. Oh, though there smaller jackpots. How many people get paid out though? Is it just one person? It depends. I think there can be multiple winners. Yeah, you I mean you made a million bucks if you hit like all five numbers and not the power ball. Yeah. Right. So, but that doesn't affect the jackpot, right? So, I guess if you're asking who gets paid out of the jackpot Yeah. Yeah. It's a winner or take all situation. Wow. But if two people or three people or 10 people get it, it gets split evenly. So, what if what if you go and get some of the numbers? You get some money. You can get some money. If you get like one number, you can get like five bucks back. Okay. They just try to keep you hooked. Keep you. They just try to keep you on the hook. Oh, yeah. And if you get like let's say you get so you got to imagine that if you give them five bucks back they probably bought 300 tickets at least. So you won anyway. Yeah. So I was going to bring up this thing that happened. I think it was in Texas. Someone figured out the loophole of like no how many tickets can you buy and how fast can you buy them? And they figured out a way to buy really more tickets and they won. They were profitable. It is a numbers game. They had to spend like $25 million or something, but they were Well, is that legal? That's where they've gotten into some issues now. Well, here's the thing. Why Why isn't it legal if you're just buying tickets? If you have a shitty system, Yeah. if your system sucks. And by the way, your system's been ripping off everybody forever. Sounds like a personal problem. And I jump in on that system and give you all this money. I figured it out and I win money every [ __ ] time. Yeah. H Yeah. Maybe this is on you. Maybe you don't like when you get scammed, [ __ ] You've been scamming us for years. When you sell 111 million tickets for one for one winner, you have 111 million to one. Yeah, that's bananas. Someone might not win and it goes on and it carries over. I love the stories. Bananas. So bananas. All right. How's your schedule looking? Feeling busy? Got a lot on the horizon. Well, yeah. It's that time of year when life gets crazy and demands more of your energy. More work, more plans, holiday travel, all while it's getting darker and colder. It can really drain your energy or you can get out ahead of it. Listen, I talk a lot about AG1. 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It's happened a handful of times where like the guy or guy will win and then split it with someone that they like bought the ticket with or said they'd go haves on. You know, though, there's got to be times where somebody did that and like, you know, cuz I think they usually publicize who won, but there's got to be a way if you won like 2 mill to keep it kind of hush hush and then, you know, and then the buddy's like, "Man, [ __ ] can't believe we didn't win." And you did win. You're like, "Yeah, I know. [ __ ] better look next year." But like, oh, he's going to kill you. Yeah. So, well, and families I've families have been ripped apart from these types of uh when they go public and name changes. I mean, I've heard all sorts of There was a documentary about the lottery from the same guy who did I think it was Spellbound. Do you ever see that about the the script spelling bee? They followed five kids around the country. It's a brilliant documentary and it just goes to show you I mean they're all different walks of life kids and some are you know their parents are like spelling they're all pretty like you know serious about it but some are very uh I think there's a young Indian kid and his parents are like yeah spelling is life and then there's a young white girl and her parents are also very like disciplined about you know her being on top of this and then there's a a young black girl and her mom is kind of like if she's happy she loves doing and I'm a supporter, you know, but it's all different walks of life and you follow them almost like best in show up until the big event and then it's the actual spelling bee which is just, you know, so [ __ ] you I mean you've seen some of these on ESPN right over the years. And the pressure though is like what's wild seeing a kid at that age deal with that type of pressure. Like even though they love it, they're up on that stage like [ __ ] I remember I played the Carol Lion in fifth grade. Yeah, I freaked the [ __ ] out. A because I was a fat kid. I was [ __ ] my tits were falling out of the line suit. I asked for ice cream cake instead of curds when I got to Oz. But like these kids are having to there's money on the line. The parents have like dedic they've flown all across the country. Like anyway, but the guy did a doc about the lottery and how it's the pros and cons, but mostly about how it is like a a big scam and stuff and it's, you know, just kind of a social experiment really. Well, it's definitely it's definitely a way to keep people hooked. It's a gambling thing. It's it's 100% a gambling thing and it's like very very profitable for the government. It is. But the thing about it is nobody who wins ever gets happy. It's not like everybody who wins I say everybody who wins. The vast majority of people who win go broke within a very short amount of time. Oh, really? Yeah. they blow through their money and they wind up getting robbed or something happens and like it's it's not like you've had an unsuccessful financial relationship with, you know, with money and with funds and, you know, being prudent with your expenses, right? And then all a sudden you win the lottery and you're like, "Okay, great. I'm an accountant. I know how to handle this." No, most people are just like barely getting by and then they win the lottery and they've always been late on bills and now they're buying a Rolex. He's going from 0 to 60. Yeah, you can't adjust. This is the winner of that $2 billion. Oh, look at him. Wow, dude. Look at him. Just a kid from LA. Look how happy that [ __ ] is. You better run, son. Run to Canada. Run to Canada. Run. So much. Go somewhere where they don't know who you are and enjoy your life and lie. Lie about where you got your money. Say, say you got a business, you know, say your dad died and whatever. Yeah. Grandpa left you a lot of money. He had gold coins from the war. No one questions. Yeah. No one questions old artifacts. Yeah. Yeah. Don't say you won the lottery because then people don't think you deserve it. So if you're Jeff Bezos, you made Amazon. There's pictures of you in the [ __ ] garage with it Amazon.com sign above your head when days. Yeah. The early days. Like you know that guy built that [ __ ] company. So if he's out there balling, that kind of makes sense. You know, you see Jeff Bezos has a giant yacht. You're like, I'd have a yacht too if I I'd do that. I would do the same thing. So, but when you get the Powerball and all a sudden you got $2 billion just like that, dude. And by the way, it's not really $2 billion cuz it's $2 billion if you live to be like a thousand years old. They pay you bucks a week. It's weird. Like they don't or you can get all of it in once in one sum, but it's never the same. It's never the same amount. They give you way less. Yeah. Which is horshit. It is. So, if you want to get the $2 billion, it's probably like how what is the actual Let's find this out. What's the actual payout schedule that you can accept either the payments where they just pay you like you're we got 2 billion coming your way guaranteed. Promise you, but we're going to give you a little every month. Feels like Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What did you do with the 111 million tickets you sold, [ __ ] You sold 111 million tickets. What' you do with that money? Where's that money? How about give me all that? Yeah. No [ __ ] The [ __ ] are you doing? What is this? It's like a 30 year annuity option. 30 years. Wow. They want to pay you for 30 years. Would you take that or just take that? Nice and slow. That's the way we do it. See, nice and slow. It is that guy. Is this I got to see this. I didn't This says this option pays out the full advertised jackpot amount. Oh, it's a different one. I didn't know that. Let me see if that's real. By the way, that voice you were doing that's for sure the head of the lottery. Nice and slow. A Mr. Burns Alpuccino. We're gonna pay him nice and slow. Oh yeah, dude. In a Fela jumpsuit. Some dude just stealing money. He's got a fake Rolex on. Paying them nice and slow. 30 years is crazy. If you win the lottery and you're 60, [ __ ] you ain't got 30 years. Especially with lottery money. That kind of cocaine. You got to take it off. Cocaine and Ferraris. Like, you got lot money. What do you think you're doing? cuz you I mean you're you're fine, but like did you ever fantasize about like that? I think it's normal to be a person if you as long as you've been aware of the lottery. I think everyone has had that conversation. Yeah. What would you do if you won the lottery? I remember having that as a kid and I remember telling my dad I was going to win the lottery just to [ __ ] you never have to work it. Like what? How did I even think to? But you just you hear about it and you're like the idea of of just getting rich right away and then not having to do anything I think is is pretty common in this country, right? Well, it's a wonderful idea. Like cuz everybody hates work. Did you ever think about though? Like when you were Oh, sure. I played the lottery a bunch of times. But like did you finish? I don't remember how many times I played it. Let me think of how many times. Man, you know, not a lot of times. I I think I've probably played it like all told in my life like less than 10 times. What did you write down or say to yourself? I'm not like a vision poor type of thing. But like if you got like let's say you did win like 500 mil and you were in your early 20s or something or even I'd be broke. I'd be broke and ruined. You would have gone through it all. You wouldn't put you would have put it away for the family. Oh no, no, no. I'd be doing a GoFundMe right now. I'd be I'd be going on some sad tour. People would be like, "What about when you had all that money?" [ __ ] you, man. [ __ ] you, man. You knew what I went through, man. Joe's doing safaris and stand up for animals. Um, I think the winning the lottery is bad for you. I know that sounds crazy because if you don't have any money and you want money and may maybe not bad for everybody, but bad for me. Let me say that. I think if I won the lottery, it would be bad for me because I'm the type of dude who needs like a thing to be working on. I like I have to I want I want to improve at stuff. I drive towards things. I'm trying to like figure things out all the time. That's a great point. I all of a sudden not doing that. Your drive is gone if you win the lottery. I think especially at a young age because if you're like so let's go back to like when I was like 22. I was 22. Uh I was working odd jobs while I was doing standup at night. I was uh working for a private investigator. I was maybe I was making 20 bucks an hour. Like maybe. Did you really do that? Yeah, I drove around a private investigator. Holy [ __ ] Yeah, he was a good friend for years. Like he died recently. Uh his name is Dave Dolan. He was he's the best. I kept one of my old phones just cuz he left me a message. He used to call himself Dynamite [ __ ] Dave Dolan. He he he was a hilarious guy. The funniest guy that I've ever met that wasn't a comedian. He was so funny. He was so funny. And the crazy thing is what happened was he lost his license from drunk driving and uh he put in an ad for a private investigator's assistant. But really what it was is someone to drive him because he couldn't drive. Yeah. Cuz he was, you know, lost his license for like I forget how long. three months or something like that. So, um I I signed up for the job. I meet him, you know, this is back when I was still competing. I was still fighting. So, he liked that I could like [ __ ] people up and something went sideways. And so, then we would go and most of it was insurance fraud. It was mostly like catching people like doing things like uh pretending their back was hurt, then you catch them carrying roof shingles up a ladder. It was a lot of that. Uh people they they get hurt like working for an airline. This one lady, oh this was so sad because she let us into her house. I felt so bad. We would it was a scam. And the scam was Dave would show up and say, "Um, ma'am, uh, my girlfriend was in an accident and when the police took the license plate of the witness, someone spilled coffee on the report and it's confusing which letters are the last letters and one of them is yours. We got these two. They weren't right. we were hoping it's you. And they were like, "What's what's wrong with your girlfriend?" And he goes, "Well, she's got this injury, which is exactly the same injury that this lady had that she was supposedly getting uh that she was, you know, disabled from." And so she's like, "Oh my god, I have the same thing." And he goes, "I hope you're getting paid." And she goes, "Oh yeah, not only am I getting paid by insurance, but I'm also working under my maiden name." He's like, "Oh, that's great." And she goes, "Would you like to come in in the house and have some coffee?" Oh, she's the nicest lady. She had us in her house. We were two strangers. Oh god. Some [ __ ] thick looking Irish dude with a mustache. That's Dave. And me like this 21-year-old kid with a [ __ ] crew cut. And you're just letting us into your house. [ __ ] giving us coffee. I'm like, "She's so nice, man. We can't do that. We got to We got to pretend this didn't happen." He's like, "Fuck her." She goes, "Fucking thief. That lady's a [ __ ] thief. [ __ ] her." I was like, "Oh, got to be ice cold on that. I can't do this. I I I only did it for a few months, but that's all he needed me for really. But we became friends. What a life, dude. Yeah. He was an interesting cat, man. He was a fun one of the guys. There was a guy who um thought his girlfriend was cheating on him or wife, I forget. And so it feels like a lot of the cases they get hired for, right? Like Sure. But mostly what Dave did was insurance stuff because they they had the most amount of cases. It was all about find it's just it's just a numbers thing. Yeah. Um, so this one was I think I think my girl's cheating on me. So he hires Dave uh to this this his wife was hooking up with this [ __ ] barbarian, this dude who's this big old bodybuilder dude. And he was just pounding her. And Dave had to take pictures and then he like brought the pictures. Are they [ __ ] brought the pictures to the guy and then the guy was like, "Well, keep following her." He's like, "Fuck you. He's like, "I don't know what kind of kink you're into. Like this. Is this like a Are you This should be enough." No, it was almost like he was into it. It was almost like they were playing a game like a cuck game. Oh, wow. It was You know what I mean? Maybe I'm cheating on you. Maybe you should hire a private investigator and see the pictures. The guy just like the the girl was the the lady was very hot and he was very not hot. And then there was this bodybuilder guy. [ __ ] Dude, it is funny you say that. My brain immediately went to if my wife was cheating on me, that would be the worst version. Just a huge guy. Because like if it's Shaq, you go if we do get back together, there's no way. Well, you're not, by the way, but like if you do, like you're just you can't go back in there, right? It's over. I mean, I see Shaq now with like when there's pictures of him next to his like girls he's dated, I'm like, is that that should be illegal? But I guess I don't know. He's gentle. I don't How do you How do you do that? I don't know. You got to ask him. Have you had Jack on? No. I'd love to have him on. I love that dude. He did Fear Factor with me. No way. Yeah, he co-hosted Fear Factor one day, one episode. That would be an unbelievable conversation. Yeah, it was like me and him hang I had a joke. I was It was like a six-year-old hanging out with his dad. The size of I had a joke about uh a lady um guarding the White House because it was during the Obama administration. a guy broke into the White House and they had a lady, an unarmed lady at the front door. Sure. And I had this whole joke about like not everybody can guard the White House. And like listen, I've met Shaquille O'Neal. His dick is where my face is. I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a shack attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world. He's just going to run over me. He's too big, you know? But that guy, when you're you're hanging out with them, you're like, "Okay, giants are real." Like there's real giants in this world. Like look at this. Oh, you did at uni, too. That's awesome. Oh yeah, it was fun. But he's a fan of the show. He was real cool. That's awesome. Yeah, I see him at the UFC all the time, too. Imagine that guy got into MMA cuz he's a martial artist. He practices. There's some good video of him working out like kicking pads and punching mits and [ __ ] He's got technique. Is it cool from your perspective when people like that jump into that art form? Are you just like I love it. No, I love it. I want everybody to do it. It's good for your brain. And no, don't do it because you want to be Billy badass, but do it because it it's it's like the best way of releasing aggression and making you a nice person. It sounds crazy. I know. Like hitting something like a bag. You don't have to hit a person. Hit a heavy bag. Just boom boom boom boom. You get all that [ __ ] out of your system. Wow. Look at him next to Francis Inano. That's for UFC heavyweight champion Francis Enano who is a giant man standing next to Shaq and Shaq towers over him. I mean, it's he's too big for the UFC. If Shaq if the UFC was around when Shaq No, no, no. He like literally is physically too big. Oh, like the UFC has a 265 lb weight limit for the heavyweight division, which is kind of crazy. Yeah, heavyweight should be as big as you get. It should be like I think it should be like 225 and up. That's what I think. I think there's not enough weight classes, but that's a separate conversation. But Shaq is way bigger than 265. Yeah. 350 maybe. He probably would have to cut 80 lbs to make the UFC's weight limit. I think he was under three when he got in the league. He was real slender, which is crazy to be that big and be that fast. The fact that he did what he did in the NBA is really wild. Giant super athletes, which is like the difference between the NBA, the NFL, and then the UFC. Yeah. Is like the UFC doesn't get many guys like that, right? Most of like super athletes when they're kids, they go into football, they go into baseball, they go into basketball. That's where the money is, you know, for a lot of them. Like way more. Like there's way more spots probably for football players than there are for UFC. Like how many how many professional uh football players are there in the NFL? I mean, there's 53 per team and there's two teams. Over a thousand at least. Don't make me do math. I'm stupid. I mean, that's why we do this. That's just that. But there's also there's practice squads. There's another 12 or 15 on our practice squad. Okay, let's put it into perplexity. Find out how many overall players are um employed by the NFL. I and then do it for NBA uh MLB, bad mitten, tennis, cricket, croquet, Chinese sports and uh checkers, parti tournaments. I was just going to pyramid billiards. The number for the NFL could get way bigger because there's guys that you know are half retired and only play like three games a year. Okay. So, what do you if you had to guess 53 times what? There's 30. Jamie knows a lot about stats. There' be probably 22,000. 22,000. Okay. No, no, no, no. Not 20. I was going to say 2500 or 2,000, but 2,000 is probably a fair number. And is that that's just NFL, correct? And then you have XFL. How many people are employed by the XFL? Great question. And baseball is a 53 No, baseball's 53man roster for baseball. Baseball is way less like 25. So for UFC, just the UFC, I think right now they have 600 fighters under contract. Mick Maynard texted me. Wow. About recently 1,700 players for football rosters and then another 400 who can move around. Okay. So that's like a So that's NFL. That's just NFL. What a crapshit. So it's essentially 2,000ish. About 550 in the NBA. Okay. And the draft each year is probably another yet another 30 to 40. Also, you have to take into account that a lot of kids uh you play football in school, right? So if you're going to play football, you play football in high school, you play football in college, and they go in early. Yeah, but it's a sport that everybody plays and it's normal to do. Like everybody in the neighborhood plays. If you play baseball, everybody in the neighborhood plays. You you all you you play in middle school. You play in high school. MMA, you got to go to the gym. You got to learn. You got to get kicked. You're going to get kicked in the nuts more than once. You're going to get punched in the face. Your nose going to be bloody. You're going to have a headache. You're going to have sore joints cuz people are trying to break your arms. and then you're showing up at school every day going, "What am I doing? What the [ __ ] am I doing?" So, it's hard to get a kid that can also play basketball really well to decide, I'm going to let someone kick my shins out from under me. I don't know what kid would do that. And also, it's got to be a kid that only wants that. Yeah. It's got to be a kid that watches the UFC and goes, "That is me." Like, Tiger Woods was golfing what, like three, two or three, right? Like so not that you would be doing UFC or MMA at that age, but what is the but you would because a lot of people who have sons they and daughters that are really into it, they start training them. A lot of these fighters train their kids at an early age. I remember having like you know Wrestlemania type like stuffed animals and wrestling with them at like five, six, seven, but it didn't obviously turn into uh a passion. But like that at least was like at that age of like roughousing and throwing [ __ ] around and like trying to beat somebody up. But I guess to take a shot to the dick as a kid, like yeah, you got to be made a steel. Well, you I think generally it's either your parents encourage you to do it early and you do like traditional martial arts and you get kind of excited about it and then you start watching the UFC as you get older and then maybe you start doing some other stuff like maybe you start out in jiu-jitsu and then you work your way to a little Muay Thai and then as you're like 13 14 you probably start thinking I think I want to fight. Yeah, that's what happens with a lot of these guys. You're probably not taking [ __ ] in school by the way. Like if your teacher's like Martin I saw you weren't paying attention. like I'm bleeding out of my dick, lady. You know, like you're just you you've seen you've gone through some [ __ ] where you're like, this is not my biggest concern right now. Well, it's definitely not your biggest concern, but it's also boring. That's the real problem. When you do exciting things when you're young, you can't parse it out in your head and go, I know I have to do this boring thing because this Yeah, this is really important. When you're doing this exciting thing, you're, you know, kicking people's heads off like, this is way more fun. I don't want I don't care about history. Did you play baseball? Play baseball? Yeah. Yeah, I did. What position? Um, you know, I wasn't very good. Um, so I was I was an outfielder, but one thing I did do is I hit I either hit home runs or I struck out. Let's go. Because I would never just try to get on base. The coach would always say, "Uh, just try to get on base. Just try and be like, right, just I just [ __ ] I hated team sports. I was not a good team player in that regard because I mean I was good in that I tried to catch balls and I tried to make I bet you were a fun teammate though, right? you were a jokester and but I was also like I am going to hit the [ __ ] out of this ball cuz I hit my first home run I think when I was like 12 or something like that and I was like oh this is way better. I was like this is way better than just hitting a ball. This is as you get bigger and stronger as you and you get a little bit more coordinated and you feel what it's like to really [ __ ] connect and get your body into that. Oh yeah. But that really translated into martial arts too because learning how to hit things hard I think it helped that I learned how to hit a baseball hard. Is there a correlation with like the the torque and the lower half twisting? Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Because when you're hitting a baseball, like I was never a great baseball player, okay? I was just a kid who knew how to hit a ball hard still. I wasn't a good baseball player. Hand eye coordination. But there was a thing about this about this timing. Yeah. This crap like that that translated directly into kicking things like directly. So I think learning that at an early age I was like, "Oh, it's like a body. It's a timing thing, but it's like a whip of your body. Yeah. And that's the exact same thing with kicking. My uh my buddy, I'm actually wearing his hoodie, Cal Raleigh, his nickname is the big dumper. And he had he just lost the MVP to Aaron Judge by like four votes. But he had and it was a big dispute and big debate because he's a switch-hitting catcher. He's a catcher. He hit 60 home runs this year, the most by any catcher ever. He the most by any switch hitting um catcher. Uh switch-hitting player. He broke um he just broke so many records. Aaron Judge ultimately won the MVP because statistically he was outrageous in so many categories, but it was a big debate. I'm biased. Cal's the man. Um but also, you know, a catcher is handling so much more during the game. Aaron Judge played the outfield and then Aaron Judge looks like if for Loco grew into a person. Cal Raleigh is like you want to have a Bud Light with. He's a [ __ ] everyman. He won the home run derby. his dad who was his high school baseball coach was throwing pitches to him during it was a better story for baseball. But I actually want to get your opinion on this if you are going because I think the writers were just like stats like Cal batted like 246 judge was like 38 something I think to end the year but again Cal like broke all these records and for a catcher and like made baseball cool and like put you know gave um a position a lot more love and he's calling the whole game. He has to know the whole pitching staff. He comes in early. he's he's catching the game, which is why it's unheard of for a catcher to be that offensively, you know, uh powerful, but um he ultimately lost and a lot of people were bummed uh out about it. And uh I guess my question to you is if you were one of those like if you're assessing stuff like that, do you take into account like you know what someone's impact for the game is or would you just go like, "No, no, who had the best stats and that's the MVP?" Yeah, it's a good conversation, right? It's a good conversation. Do you foul baseball enough to [ __ ] with that? I don't. But objectively, I would say go with the best stats. The guy who's played the best. That's the most valuable player. But I switch it and catch it. Look, it's a very valuable thing. It's just not the most valuable thing. Yeah. You know what they gave a lot of credit to is like judges in New York on the Yankees and they get so much press and so much love. And Seattle's up here in the corner right furthest away. Like everyone's just like, "Isn't that the [ __ ] coffee sound garden place?" And it's like there's a catcher up there. I mean, yeah. I don't know. I don't that stuff I think does matter the the national attention, but um I don't know. There was a guy that was a really good baseball player that became a martial artist and had a wicked right hand. This Japanese guy, Takanori Gi and uh great name. Oh my god. This dude, he was a pitcher. Martial arts and Oh, and play baseball. Yeah, he he was a pitcher and like that's how he started off and he just had a whip to his right hand. And you think about like how fast a pitcher moves his body. And I'm sure you've seen that one where what's the dude's name that killed the bird. Oh, Randy Johnson. Bro, that's a former mariner. That clip is amazing. It's unbelievable. It's insane. I know. It's like once in a billion. It's very sad, but it's a once in a billion thing. Once in a trillion, Joe. The timing of that. First of all, birds fly through stadiums like, you know, every now and then. And also, you have the fastest throwing pitcher arguably in the history of the game, right? throw at his peak. His peak throwing I think 100. Can you imagine that bird hits that bird right before that square? Do you think that bird I mean I don't know. Do they have gods? A little [ __ ] stupid brain looking for seeds. [ __ ] looking for seeds. [ __ ] that. [ __ ] that bird. [ __ ] that bird. That bird existed for that moment. It did. The universe wanted us to see it. The bird was virtually pulverized and killed instantly. Famously Johnson was sued by PETA for the obvious freak accident. Sued. That's insane. And look at this. Johnson resents the way he's remembered as the bird killer. Randy, you got to let it go. His nickname was the big unit when he was in Seattle. Yeah. No, I I remember that guy. Dude, that's wild. And then there's the famous uh as if we're talking bird accidents. Fabio on the roller coaster. Remember that? No. What happened with Fabio roller coaster by a bird? Oh man, this is unbelievable. He's opening a roller coaster at some theme park. I want to say Great America. And he's on the beginning and he's like, "Hello, Fabio here. I can't wait to ride the roller coaster." And Oh man. And somewhere in the journey, a bird flies out of nowhere and breaks his [ __ ] nose, dude. Yep. Boom. Feathers and all. That's crazy. So, everyone's like, "What happened?" Yeah. And then he goes on ABC to talk about it. A goose. It was a goose. He's like, "Look, goose are big." He's like, "I can't believe it's not butter, but I can't believe that bird had a vengeance against my face." He was the butter guy, remember? Oh, that's right. He was the romance novel guy, too, right? Yeah, dude. What a life. Wild chicks like reading their porn. You know that. Great premise. It It's true. It is. It is true. Like guys like watching porn. That's what it was. Yeah. Well, girls have always been into erotic literature and some of it's like that. You remember the Fifty Shades of Gray stuff? Come on, man. That was like all of a sudden ladies wanted to get spit on and choked. Like what's happening? My friends would tell me these stories like she told me to spit in her mouth. I was like, "What? Did you do it?" I know. My stepdad was like, "Your mom wants me to push her against the drywall." I was like, "What the [ __ ] This is an inside real weird for a while, but then it kind of died off and went back into the shadows." But romance novels, like pornographic romance novels, but they're not pornographic like visually. Even like the way they depict sex is like a feminine way of doing it. But but Fifty Shades of Gray, I think, was like that was graphic. Yeah. Yeah. What the [ __ ] What the [ __ ] was that all about? Ladies, what are you hiding? And then there was the Twilight one. You want a vampire that loves you? I'll never understand that. Yeah, I'll never some dude who kills people. I guess it's not sucks their blood. He's been around for 1,700 years. You're only 16. The whole relationship is disgusting. This is disgusting. You're a thousand years old. 16-year-old girlfriend. This is What do you talk about? Also, the werewolves and like the Yeah. Just having He was alive when Cleopatra was here and he's talking to a [ __ ] 17-year-old. This is stupid. Would you judge someone more that was into vampires or feet? Oh, vampires for sure. Yeah, feet's not that weird. It's not that weird. It's kind of, you know, they're cute. They look good. Yeah, you can justify feet. It makes it sense, I guess. The vampire one is nuts. Like, how how old was the vampire in uh Twilight? He wasn't that old. They were high school, maybe, right? No, but he wasn't that old. Like I was saying, he was alive from Cleopatra. That That's [ __ ] It was He's really probably only like supposed to be a couple hundred years old, right? Is that the case? I've never saw I thought he was supposed to be real old, though. At least a hundred. Imagine a hundred-y old guy pretending he's he's got to pretend and hang out in high school. That's how he fits in. Yeah, that's how he fits in. 100-y old guy is going to force himself to go to high school. Yeah, that's weird. How old was he? 104. 104. Okay. He said in high school hanging out. Yeah, he didn't even handsome as [ __ ] Handsome as [ __ ] dude. But super pale. Something was up. Well, you're in Seattle. You can get away with it up there. Totally. I went to the um I think it was opening night of Twilight when I did this movie, The Heat. It was um uh after Bridesmaids, Paul fig did this movie called The Heat with Sander Bulock, Melissa McCarthy. It's like a big, you know, buddy cop uh and I played one of the bad guys. First big movie, summer blockbuster. I'm like I heard the trailer was being played during Twilight and I was like never seen myself in a trailer. My buddy's like, "We got to go to [ __ ] it was like they're playing the R-rated trailer, the red trailer." So, we go to Twilight on like opening night at uh the Ark Light in uh in Hollywood. RIP. And uh and it's just all like what I don't know, 10 to 16 year old girls, the whole theater, and then just me and my buddy just baked out of our minds like very out of place. And everything's coming on. They're like announcing all the cast. All the girls are going nuts. Uh but by the way, they didn't play the uh the trailer uh at all. So, we're sitting there and he's like I'm like, "All right, let's get the [ __ ] out of here. I don't want to watch Twilight." He's like, "Well, we're here. We should watch it." I'm like, "Best of luck." And I bounce. So, I've never seen it. Uh, any of the Twilight movies. They're not terrible. They're not They're not terrible, but they're odd. And I don't necessarily think they're made for boys. I think it's a weird lady fantasy. Yeah, it's for the girls. Yeah. What's our equivalent? It's a weird lady fantasy, but it's very odd that there's a vampire movie that's specifically for ladies. You know what our equivalent is? What? Weird Science. The show? No, the movie. Weird Science. Remember when the two guys make the woman on their computer? Oh, that's right. Come on, dude. Anthony Michael Hall. I forgot about that. Great movie. Jamie, who's that lady? Pull up the whole movie. Let's watch the whole movie. That lady was very beautiful. Who was that? Kelly Le. Kelly Le Brock. British. I think she was Yeah, she was the super hottie back in the day. The lab, bro. That was one of the first movies I remember seeing being like, "Okay, what is this dick really for?" Weird science. Great. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Oh, not Anthony Michael. Oh, wait. No, that's a remake. Yeah. Anthony Michael was the first TV show. Oh, there was a TV show. And was that Bill Paxton is the Crazy Brother? Uh, yeah. Dude, who made that? John Hughes. Come on. Just had his finger on the pulse of cool. Wow. How did they make her? with was the ingredients just it was just great question. It was you sound like one of the parents trying to recreate her. So how' they make that girl by the way? This is Wyatt and Gary. I give her womb digious marland to change. Oh look they have a computer something out of this world. Yeah, dude. Alive. What would you little maniacs like to do first? Oh my god. That's her opening question. Weird science. If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle. Not us. Not here. No way. She is turning their lives. Trust me for once, will you? What is going on? I don't know you. Their minds. This trailer is crazy. She just wanted to make them cool, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't even want to [ __ ] No. You know, they must have been like, "Dude, did you not put in the right code? She's here to like take us to dinner." Yeah. Why would you stop with that? Let's try one that doesn't talk as much. Let's try the next one. I think they just did it on their computer. It was just like a bunch of It's so easy to do back then. Such a funny thing, too. Like, we were just so trusting. We're like, that's probably how you do it if you were going to do it. Like, that's how stupid it is. Just put a a bunch of numbers in a computer and your door to your bedroom explodes. Make the boobs bigger. That's so ridiculous. Crazy. It's funny because people probably thought one day. Yeah. And that they might be right. According to the plot, they uh they hacked some they hook some electrodes up and they hack into a government computer system for more power. Oh, for more power. Awesome, dude. Believable plot. Table for one. Oh, as long as we have more power, we just make a lady. But I guess when you're watching that Yeah. You're just like, that's Yeah, that's What are the odds that it makes a hot lady? Like, what are the odds that that works? First time ever. Two [ __ ] high schools figured out. And we were like, take my money. Tell me this amazing story. Oh yeah, dude. I'm surprised there was no scary movie type parody of that of them like making the wrong gal or something, you know? Oh my god. Like John Goodman in a in a wig comes out. What year was that? 85. 85. Good for us. What year was Soulman? Uh probably like 89. Soulman. I haven't seen Soulman. 86. What's that? Oh, okay. Go to that. Yeah. Soulman. See Thomas How See Thomas how pretends to be black so he go to a different school. It's like he I forget how it happened. What the [ __ ] Wait, what? Yep. Bro, it's No, bro. It's crazy. Julia Louie. No, it's not even good. Oh god. What? Oh man. Yeah. Julia Louise Drifus is in it. James Earl's in it, bro. How did he sign off on this? Because people didn't know any better back then. Yeah. All right. Fair enough. They didn't They were basically just climbing out of the caves and they were like, "What year is this?" He intentionally takes too many tanning pills to turn his skin darker and gets a scholarship meant for African Americans. Tanning pills. He took tanning pills like as if they had tanning pills back then. Is that a pre-tanning bed? What a dude. Again, peptide now. Now, do you think somebody have a peptide now that can actually give you a tan? What does it do? Does it like just jack up your melanin? Uh, yeah. What's a melanin? Somebody give that [ __ ] to Rachel Doz. see if they take her back. Oh my god. Did somebody pitch a Do you think somebody was like, "We got We need a blackface movie." But what's the story? And they're like, "Well, it was a comedy. He wants to be tan. He takes too many. He tans too hard. It was a Yeah. And he can't get into scholarship any other way. Is that that must have be is that part of it, I guess. Right. So he got a scholarship studies. Do you have to be African-American stuff? Study African-American studies? That doesn't even We're finding some holes in this. That's just as bad as weird science. This is [ __ ] I found this is more science fiction. I found an art uh New York Times 1985 article talking about uh warning pills about getting an early tan. They had pills for getting a tan back then. Whoa. What did it do? I know like carrots will do that to you. It says FDA repliedin is not approved for use to be ingested for to color the human body. What in oral tanning products? The use of canthanaxin in oral tanning products is illegal. Tanning products have been seized under the provisions of the food drug and cosmetic act and further attempts to import these tanning product. Oh, it's all imported. FDA warns that tanning pills contain food colorings that accumulate in the blood, skin, fatty tissue, and organs such as the liver. They even cause the user's skin to acquire an they often cause the user's skin to acquire an orange tint. I didn't take the pills. I took no pills. They told me to take the pills. I said I don't need it. I took a lot of those pills. Hey, I took too many of those pills. Why do you love the Biden cocktail? What they would give him when he have would have to do like press conferences or a debate. The debate cocktail must be extraordinary. It was just Capri Sun and Plan B gummies. Bro, it must be extraordinary. This guy get a real tan. Not a fake orange tan. Suntan pills. You can get a real tan. Oh my god, that that guy looks Yeah, he went from like white guy to That's not I know it's not real. No, they put a filter on his ass. But they used to be able to sell anything in the back of magazines and it would just be a total scam. Oh, really? Oh my god. You knew it was a scam just cuz it was in the back of the mag or what? X-ray goggles and all kinds of [ __ ] that didn't work. Like Sky Mall [ __ ] No, it was like the back of stupid magazines and stuff. They were just fake ads. There was no rules back then. [ __ ] People just scam people, sell you things that was totally horshit. You're like, you're stupid enough to send your money through the mail. Yeah. And you never got anything back. I'll see some of that stuff on Amazon every now and then where I'm like, how is this up there? Like there's certain Amazon has a lot of fake products. Unfortunately, there's a lot of fake um supplements that are sold on Amazon. No way. Yeah. So, if you buy from a a major company like Pure Encapsulations, why don't they filter trend again somehow? Obviously. Oh, Tik Tok trend again. Tanning pills. They're taking it again. It's not surprising. We love our pills. America, what do we love? our free speech and our pills. John McDonald's. We do enjoy a pill. This is an ad for better help. With the days getting colder, shorter, and darker, it can be tough for many. And really, you never know what someone might be going through. 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Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/jre. That's betterhp.com/jre. Um, what is the what's the Can I Can you show me what it looks like? Is there like a before and after taking that stuff? That's what I was That's what I did. That's what this guy was. I don't this Yeah, but there's got to be like some modern people. Are those That one's AI in the second row, right? With that girl with the crazy eyes. AI, too. Oh, so this guy took it. Maybe interesting. He could have also just put tanning lotion on his face. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing, too. It's like those before and after weight loss things. It's like, was it really the product or did you just, you know, we were talking about last night, uh, Brendan Shaw and I one time we were watching these bodybuilders and you know, bodybuilders used to dye all of their skin, including their face. For what? Well, the more the darker your skin is, the more contrast, the more it shows your muscles. So when they get like real shredded and they they dye their skin like super dark. I always wondered why they were all so But now after the woke stuff, it's become offensive to dye your face. So they dye their whole body and they leave their face white. So they have chocolate body, full chocolate body, white face. It's so silly. It's so silly. It's like what are you doing? Who got him? Who? What is this craziness? You complain about that. Look at him. Look. Oh, look. Look how kooky that is. That is That's not even the kookiest. There's some really kooky ones where people have white faces. Dude, what do you Well, that's there's a whole video of me and Sha like with a with a bunch of different examples of it where we thought it was really funny. Man, the discipline of the body. Weird because they Yeah. Like look at that guy. That's ridiculous because he can't do his face like that cuz he looks fully black. So now you just have to accept that this is how they're all going to come out and look on stage and just Well, that guy went for it. He's like, "Fuck it. [ __ ] it. [ __ ] it. I'm going blackface." Yeah, that's Berett Bryinstein. Yeah, you can kind of go brown face, but if you want to get full chocolate body, like some guys go full dark, dude. Like so dark they they could be like straight from Cameroon. Can I That guy's pretty dark right there. I mean, damn. Look at those quads. That's what I want to know. Like, and I mean no disrespect by this, what what why like what makes you want to have There was a girl I went to elementary school with and she for a little bit became a bodybuilder. And I think it I looked at as she had kids. I think she was maybe midlife crisis and was just like, I want to do something where I push myself and get into shredded amazing shape is how I viewed it from a Facebook vantage point. But like, is this in you as a kid? Is it like you have a a thirst for working out and then you just go too far? Or is it the same way we like stand up and have an addiction to that and and a love for it? Is it really like I want to compete and win win win at this? It's not just about looking good. It's about like having the best instrument and competing against other bodies and having the best body. Is that Well, it literally is a bodybuilding competition, right? But like why do like to have your legs look like that? What is the Different people like different things, Adam Ray? All right. You know, and they clearly like being jacked. They like looking like that. They like being that look like a [ __ ] living human incredible Hulk. Yeah. They like it. Yeah. You know, and there Yeah. There's still just people. I mean, it's people have always been fascinated by extreme bodies. That's why Pumping Iron was such a big film. People are fascinated by people that are willing to do this and go go that far with something. Yeah. Here's the question, though. What bothers you about it? Does it bother you like the time? Why would you want to do that? I guess. Why? I guess it's just so far. Here's my question. Yeah. If they had a pill and I give you this pill and all of a sudden you look like that. Are you taking it or not? Well, let me no work. So, when I It's the lottery and a pill. So, let me let me answer that question with when I played Vince McMahon on the rock show about his life for a few seasons on NBC. I got a trainer to bulk up. I go I go a little bigger. Not Vince big, but there was a moment where a friend of mine came to me and was like, there's an easy way and there's a not an easy way. And I was like, what's easy way? And he did suggest like some crazy [ __ ] And I was like, I don't think I want to be look like that unless the show really asked me. But I don't think I would. Would you want to look like Canelo Alvarez? Sure. Yeah. Sitting a pill. Yeah. Yeah. You take that? Yeah. He took really good muscular physique. Nothing crazy. Nothing crazy. Yeah. Yeah. And no judgment. Maybe I uh But you would take that pill, right? Sure. Right. I guess I'm more impressed. I guess that was when Vince was 100 years old. I'm more impressed by the I guess the discipline of of what you must have to do because I know that it's not just like taking stuff to make your legs look that defined and muscular. Like there's to be that guy at his age, that's bananas. Because like you look at Vince McMahon's build, I don't give a [ __ ] how old he is. I don't care if he's 80. I don't care if he's 40. Like if you're built that way, you're putting in hours, period. You're putting in hours. There's no way around it. Like steroids don't make you grow. They make you recover. Y I mean, they do make you grow a little. I think if you to I think the if you just took them and didn't do any work at all, I think they do put some muscle on you. But that kind of muscle is continual work over decades. That that guy's super jacked. Yeah. It's why I'm so split on the baseball steroid stuff where it's like Barry Bonds. Yeah. He took It's the only thing fun about the game. Give them the Roy. Let him hit the ball. Are we [ __ ] stupid? Do you want to compete with China or No. That's so funny. America. Do we have the means? Yes, we do. Do we know how it works? Yes, we do. But what do we do in skinny? What do What do we got all these skinny hitters for? That's so funny. But we got to make sure no one's cheating. Make it legal. Hit all the home runs. Make it legal. Make it mandatory. I want every baseball player to be roided out of his mind. Just giant [ __ ] superhero looking dudes who crush it into the [ __ ] parking lot. Crack. I want baseball bats broken like five out of 10 games. Greg Geraldo had a great old joke. He goes, I want Barry Bonds to come out as one giant chest muscle. And he was he was saying how it's so [ __ ] that Congress was like cracking down on that and taking away records. He goes, "You're taking away records." He goes he goes, "You know what else?" He goes, "Cuz they say it's an illicit substance." You know what else is an elicit substance? Crack cocaine. No one's taking gold records away from Whitney Houston. One of my favorite Toronto jokes. Come on. But he's right. I mean, and you're right, I I mean it it is I did a TV show with Barry Bonds. I did a floor. There was a show that I did a baseball show called Hard Ball where I played this baseball player and one of the episodes it was Barry Bonds was uh like the guest for the day. Super nice guy. But he was normalized Barry Bonds back then. It by the way. Oh yeah. Still like one of the best baseball players of all time and super nice guy. Like real friendly to everybody and it was just like holy [ __ ] that's Barry Bonds. like this show must be for real. It wasn't for real. It got cancelled. [ __ ] Show died. But we did get Barry Bonds. That's awesome. But it was uh it was interesting cuz I got to see him as normalized Barry Bonds. Yeah. And then he got there was a difference. [ __ ] jack, dude. It's like, bro, he got [ __ ] but you still have to hand eye coordination. You still have to hit the ball. It's not making your eyes clear, right? It's not like it's definitely making your body perform better and on top of that recover quicker so you can do more work. That's the main reason people do it is the rec the recovery. Oh yeah. Well, not just the big fat just not just recovery but uh your ability to work like it like especially guys who take EPO like that was what the Lance Armstrong stuff and the cyclists the what they're doing is so difficult for your body to to compete in like tour to France that know notice how I said France like I'm sophisticated really tour to France. Um, I felt so pretentious that you really did. I felt pretentious after I said France. I was like, you wear it well. Ew. Um, it's been argued I think successfully that you it's healthier to do that event on drugs. It's healthier to be taking steroids and EPO for your body because you're asking so much of your body. It's so taxing and so [ __ ] absolutely brutal that it's like you probably should take something. But the problem was you weren't supposed to and everybody was and they were like blood doping and doing all kinds of crazy you ever see that documentary Icorus? No. Oh my god, dude. You want to talk about a documentary that you have to watch? Yeah. Award-winning. Went won a bunch of awards. It's [ __ ] incredible and it's the most like the circumstances just laid out so perfectly like it was meant to be. So this guy, he does this documentary and Brian Fogle, right? Brian Fogle, great guy, did a guest, was a guest on the podcast a couple times, did this documentary where he's a cyclist, and he wanted to cycle this race, compete in this race natural, and then hire someone to show him exactly how to cheat and take everything that like a cheater would take and and just take all the steroids and all the EPO and all that stuff and then do the same race and see what the score is, see what the difference is. So, he hires this guy who's the head of the Russian anti-doping organization. Well, while he is hiring this guy, while the guy is prescribing him steroids and telling him what to take, that guy gets in trouble because it turns out they had they had doped the entire Sochi Olympics team, the entire Russian team. There was this huge scandal. They had drilled a hole in the wall and they were passing the dirty piss through and they were getting a new bottle of clean piss. And they found it through microscopic scratches in these supposedly unopenable jars. These jars are supposed to be un impossible to open. And so once they sealed them off, they felt like these will be sealed until we open it. Well, then the Russians figured out a way to open the jars and then they would swap out the piss and put in the good piss. Oh my crazy. So now this guy lays out exactly how he did it in the documentary. He lays out the whole program and then he's on the run. So now he's in America and he's in like witness he's like witness protection program like they want to kill him and this Yes. currently he's in hiding right now and the documentary is wild. You should get Danny the dick. What's his name? Danny the private investigator. Danny Dick. What's his name? Dave Dolan. [ __ ] Dave Dolan. He's dead now, unfortunately. [ __ ] Yeah. Um, that's you said that. I'm sorry. This Okay. So, when um they So, this after this, the Russians got banned. I think it was the Rio Olympics was next after that. And they couldn't compete. They couldn't compete as Russians. They had to compete as they had to be independent. Damn. They couldn't represent Russia if they wanted to compete in the Olympics. To go to that extent to pull that off is just He said they doped up everybody except the figure skaters. He said the figure skaters, it didn't seem to give him any improvement because it was all just really fine motor. So they were probably doing it for a while to see how it to trial and error. They tried everything on everybody. It's this is what happens when you have a a militaryrun country that like puts so much so much pride in the accomplishments of its athletes. Sure. You know, it's like very important that its athletes show dominance like and Russia shows dominance in Olympics in the most manly of events like their wrestling is their wrestling is good as any country on earth. It may be better than was a Russian figure skater doping situation in 2022. She was 15. She tested positive for the banned heart medication titine. You're on that, right? A sample collected from the Russian National Championships December 2021. The result only reported because of Beijing Olympics in February 2022 after she had already competed. Did she have a heart problem? I mean, is that like a medication that she's supposed to take? I mean, the court of arbitration banned her for four years. Wow. Interesting. So, well, okay. Well, let's put in what is that heart medication due to a contamination of a strawberry dessert prepared on the same table as her grandfather's heart medication pills was oh explanation and she said it was ultimately rejected as implausible. Um let's find out what the positive effects of taking that drug would be. Put in that drug and then put in performance-enhancing. What do you think? I mean, you think it's got a performance-enhancing a heart medication? I think so. Performance. What does perplexity say? Like EPO, wouldn't it be metabolic increases blood flow to the heart stimulates? It enhances physical efficiency and endurance by improving how the body uses energy, particularly by shifting energy substrate use from fatty acids to glucose oxidation. It increases blood flow to the heart and stimulates glucose met metabolism resulting in better endurance performance. Its effects are different from typical muscle building or stimulant-like performance enhancers. Rather, it may improve exercise capacity, stamina, and reduce fatigue by optimizing mitochondrial function and cardiac energetics. I want to get on it right now. I was just going to say this sounds incredible. When Derek, more plates, more dates comes on. Bring that up. Make a little bookmark. Comedians will never do. I mean, there's no doping for us, right? No, except weed. Weed is definitely a super But that's not like making you. Yeah. It's a superpower. Weed's a superpower. It's a superpower for self-deprecation, too. You know, the one thing that like like we're talking about the green room, the guy who can't take a joke about himself, like he's never high. No. If you're high and someone makes fun of you, like, oh, no, you're right. Do you will you have a little uh Eddie or a little puff before you go on stage or you try to keep it clear? allegedly. Nice and slow. I like this guy. That's how I like this guy. 30 years. You're going to have to be Johnny Depp's agent when I go and kill Tony and come. Oh, this is what the the question I forgot to ask about the 30 years thing. What if you just take it all at once? What percentage do you get? That Yeah, I did find out you do get it all if you take it over 30 years and you get a 5% increase every year for inflation. Yeah, but you if you you get it all if you live 30 years. Like my point was if I win the [ __ ] lottery and I'm 24 years old, I ain't making it at 30 years. Go to your estate. If you don't [ __ ] my estate. I'm just saying I'm trying to ball out here. What are you talking about? Trying to get a Trying to Jamie. I'm trying to get a rose. A jet. Yeah. I want diamonds in my teeth. Would you go? Wow. You would, huh? Full grill. Yeah. Surpris. Maybe when it all falls starts falling apart, I'll start doing heroin. Get a grill. I want to try crack. At the very It doesn't Biden was talking about it. It's like it sounds wonderful. It's not giving me an exact number. At the very least, you got to take out the 37% for federal taxes. 37%. The government takes 37%. These [ __ ] That's wild, dude. You didn't buy one ticket, you [ __ ] [ __ ] It's still income, though. And it's your money. That sucks. You you you buy the tickets and they're like, "Yeah, we got all the money from it, but then we want more of your money, too. We want money. Money, money, money, money. And then what happens after that? Uh, it says that depends on then state taxes depends on where you live cuz Okay, so 37%. But if you get one payout all at once, is it the two billion? No, I mean you'd get like one point whatever the [ __ ] it is. It's also lower, but it's not just the 37% taxes that get drawn out. If you take it in one payment, you get less. It's giving me an on a $593 million jackpot for some reason. The pre-t pre-tax lumpsum cash option is approximately 277.6 out of 500 out of almost 600. So you you get less than half. Yeah. But you you get it right now. You're getting it tomorrow. I think that's what I'd do. Yeah. I'm stupid. I would do that. Take it all. Give me it all right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Totally. Especially after I get this kaz, dude. I would Oh man. I' I'd probably I'd probably go to like I'd go to Shaq. I'd be like, "You want to make Kazam 2?" I'd buy I'd buy a house near my folks. I'd go on and go, "How much for a rocket?" Whoa. How much? Where would you buy your own? He's like, "Are you serious, bro? If I got to if I got to Jeff Bezos money for sure, I'm buying a rocket." And where are you going with it? Wherever. Rachel Cukamonga. Wherever. They're barely reusable. They will be by then. If I get that old and that rich buy rockets, what happened to the the subway system that was supposed to go like LA to San Fran in like a minute? What was that? What? No, come on. They I feel like you was the boring company. No, the boring thing was like traffic. It was going to be some sort of the highspeed rail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was really just a money scam. [ __ ] They didn't do anything. Almost like helicopter Uber was like I think lasted for two days. How much did uh they spend on the highspeed rail project? Let's find that out. Let's take a guess. I would not have got on that. I don't think that they've spent it all, but there was It says $4 billion in federal funding. Wow. Has implications. What a great idea. And how much have they built? Oh, none. They were like tired of What other company? What other company? Imagine if you you hired General Dynamics, whatever. And said, "Hey, uh, how much for you guys to make me uh train and make it go really fast." And they said, "Well, I think we could do it for about 4 billion." You're like, "Okay, let's do it." And then you give them the money. And then, you know, you go back 10 years later, you're busy. They're not paying attention. You're like, "Hey, how's the uh train doing? How far are you guys getting?" Not great. Not great. We didn't get anywhere. Yeah, we didn't get anywhere. We don't have any more money. But I thought you were telling us what did you spend it on? What happened? Well, there's a lot of NOS's that are attached to this. We also bought a lot of Powerball tickets and we had a indigenous land which is a land acknowledgement. They have a smaller version in Florida and there are people dying all the time. Whoa. Because people think that they can beat it and they can't. What? Beat Wait, they think because they think it in Florida there's tons of trains going all the time. It's a normal train. You think you can get across and faster. Oh, so it's a lot faster than a normal train. Uh, what kind of train is this? It goes 125 miles an hour. Yeah. Regular train's like what? 80. So, how many people? 180 deaths making America's the most dangerous pastor train it just because people try to run across the tracks. Yeah, bro. That's so crazy. And now you put up stats like that and you got some psycho kids that are like, "Well, now look at all the people that have died. Now we got to go test the limits." Can you show me what it looks like when it goes by? Is there a video of it going by? It's the Randy Johnson of trains. I want to see driveby. Yeah, there's got to be a video. I want to see what that's like. There was one that I just saw from uh I think it was Japan that's bananas. Can you imagine getting hit by a train? Oh, dude. That might be really It would It'd be instantaneous. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't feel anything. Let's see how fast it goes. Can we Whoa. Oh, that's pretty quick. That's scary. That's quick. See that again? Yeahoo. Oh man. But the one in uh I think it was Japan. I think Japan has some new crazy high-speed one that's like three times faster than that. Why? They want to get somewhere quick. Yeah. No time to waste, [ __ ] I know. Time is money. Got to get going. I know, dude. That's really what it is. Yeah. Well, they're making jets now that are going to be supersonic again, you know, after the Watch this. Watch this, [ __ ] Watch this. What the [ __ ] Yeah. Wait, that's not AI. Holy [ __ ] Holy [ __ ] No, that's not AI. This is Japan's new train. Says it's 310 mph, bro. Watch this again. I don't Watch this again. This is so crazy. Yeah, that didn't look that looked faster than the 180, but that So, that's probably saving how much time do you think? If you're going So, LA to San Fran is like Time is money, [ __ ] Time is money. We want to keep everybody safe. Let's go 35 mph. And then you know what? You have to worry about train robbers. They hop on board cuz it's so slow they can grab it. Oh wow. Is that what the speed increases for? Like when they're going uphill and the train robbers would jump on board. Oh yeah. They'd wait. They'd wait till you're about to go uphill. What a cool life, dude. In my next life, I'm going to be a train robber. Bro, don't do that. I don't know what it's like. Tokyo to Osaka in under an hour. Whoa. How far is that? I have to look that up. Don't give me kilometers. It's all you dare give me kilome. Why didn't they teach us that in school? Kilometers. Yeah, they could have. We could all be using that. We could have abandoned this nonsense that makes us confused as to how the rest of the world measures things. 375. Wa. Jesus Christ. 375 miles an hour is crazy. So, it's They've been [ __ ] with this for a while and we just aren't doing it cuz they blew the money. Oh, that was but that was the only operation potentially to get it going or not. Some discussions have been talked about to get it going before either the which won't happen the World Cup or the Olympics in 2026. All we need is an additional 4 billion and we should be on schedule if they're like private said. Of course we are. Wow. I love America. It's just so filled with crazy [ __ ] It's just so it's so goddamn Google. It's a lot of fun stuff to talk about right now, right? Doesn't it? Do you find as a comic the crazier [ __ ] is the more fun it is on stage or No, for sure. Uh this is faster e than either flying between the two cities or taking the 1 and a half hour trip to the current Tikaido line available with uh the Japanese rail pass. A proposed route will include stops stations at Shingawa, Saga, Mihara, Kofu, Lida, and Nakaugawa. Sorry, we'll go with that. Originally planned uh only extend as far as Shingawa Station, the creation of the short underground route to central Tokyo. Duh. So, how fast is it? I mean, where how far is it going? Does it say it's 40 minutes to It's got an hour and a half. It doesn't say the distance. Okay. 177 miles. 80% of the 177 miles will be located underground. Oh, Jesus Christ. Billionary. Oh, Jesus Christ. Imagine going 375 mph underground, thousand people at a time, though. Oh boy, that's like 10 planes. You're making me nauseous. Yeah, even the New York subway sometimes goes too fast. You see that video of the woman falling asleep? God bless her, dude. Everybody, I think it was in San Francisco, right? What? A woman fell asleep at the um at the wheel for in the subway. Nobody died, but she definitely went off the track for a minute and everybody fell over. Oh [ __ ] And then she and then everybody was freaking out and she opened the door and goes, "Hey, chill out. We're fine." But like she very I mean maybe she didn't remember that she's on camera. So like they got her just passing out. I mean I'm surprised that doesn't happen more. Honestly, those are crazy hours they're working. Know there was a person running that still. Why don't they use AI? Psych. We got you. You're on my new hidden camera show. We got you there. We got you there. That's how it works. No, there is a Yeah, AI for the subway. That's how AI takes over everything. You have these kind of conversations. Why don't they just use AI for that? And AI's like, you're right. You should use us. We could make it so efficient that it's 99.9% safe as opposed to the current level of 98% safe. That was really good. We could approximately save 5 million lives over the course of the next 20 years. Is that what AI this This lady just fell asleep? Yeah. Oh, so she's on like a a rail. Yeah, it's like outside in San Francisco. Oh, 50 mph. It is surprising that with the way she just fell asleep. Yeah. Oh my god. Just derailed. Didn't crash. Oh my god. That's so nuts. And she I just thought it was funny that she was like, "Chill out there. Cold 8 in the morning, maybe." Wow. Boom. Look at that. Can you imagine? Oh, whoa. That's nuts. People went down. That is nuts. hands in her pockets like Yeah, you gota you got to be 10 and two. Got great lashes though. Yeah, great eyelashes. Yeah, man. That's crazy. I They should have a a computer running that thing. Have you done the Whimo yet? No. Yeah, me. Okay, thank you. Traitor to the human race. This is my first shot across the bow in the robot war. Except the fact that robots are going to drive you everywhere. I don't want that. Meanwhile, I drove my Tesla here today. It's fine. It's different. Basically the same thing. It's pretending I'm in control. Oh, you're doing a great job steering Joe. Is it awesome? Oh, it's incredible. It It drives itself. [ __ ] If I wanted to, I don't ever do it, but if I wanted to, I could put in a dress, go and it just goes there. Stops at every stop sign, stops at every stop light, changes lanes when there's an obstruction. So, you don't have the trust built enough to like allow it to take you? I like it. I like to drive. Yeah, me too. I want to drive. It's fun. I like driving and I like being aware of stuff and paying attention. I don't want to just drift off and just like let the computer do the work, but that's coming. It's coming. Are you a road trip guy? No. No. I don't have time for road trips. Yeah. [ __ ] But I'm sorry I asked you that question. Are you a road trip guy? As soon as I came out to Winnebago. Wnebago with the kids in the back across the country. That's me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I mean the amount of gigs early on that I d the amount of times I went from LA to San Diego or LA to Santa Barbara, Elliot to San Fran or sack for 8 10 minutes. I remember Tripley had some room in Santa Barbara I would drive 8 minutes then come back then host the Fear Factor live show at Universal the next morning at 9:00 a.m. just for and I'd drive Sam out there or whoever it was just to get time. But I always liked it. Wow. But as far as like a cross country road trip, I I don't know. That's not a road trip though. That's just road work. Yeah, but five, six hours felt like a road trip. It is. Well, it's a lot of driving, that's for damn sure. Yeah. Oh, okay. I guess. But road trip, a classic road trip. You're talking about like a not even for work, just like a road trip. Just go on a trip, see the country, pull into places. Yeah, I'd like to do it. I mean, there's Do you ever do you take time off? I will next week. I For real? Yeah. I was going home to convincing. I know. Well, just because I have I mean it's like we have the last field show coming up. I'm on the road uh with club dates for the rest of the year and then I start my theater tour, first theater tour January through April of next year. So that's on sale right now. adamracomy.com. Bam. Um but I don't know so many shows and then last Phil and then writing a bunch. I I don't know. I'm there's to me there's not enough time in the day but going home to Seattle for Thanksgiving will be the shutdown because I I'm around my nieces and nephews. I want to have, you know, a lot of time to kick with my mom. And did you start standup up there? I did one open mic before I moved to LA just to feel like I did it. And then when I went to SE01 to05, started in ' 07 is when I like jumped in. I did a few frat parties during college only going off the confidence that I did it once in Seattle. For whatever reason, you know, you need the delusion to start even trying to do standup. So, for whatever reason, I was able to ride the uh experience of once in Seattle and go up at a frat party and just bomb. I mean, I got to find that footage. I got a few laughs when I made fun of bike cops and then I did a little crowd work cuz a girl started booing. I was for it was before a band and the band was an hour late and then I had the balls to do all 30 minutes that I practiced. I should have done five and gotten off because the band was ready, but I was like, I practiced 30, I'm doing 30. Can you imagine? And then this girl started yelling [ __ ] out and I I yelled [ __ ] back and got some laughs and that's all I remember about it. And my buddies I remember just got got off and they were like like, "Man, that was how long were you up there?" Never a good sign. Did nothing about what you did. But but uh but really started in ' 07 uh at the store and and uh everywhere. Yeah, you do need that delusion in the beginning. A thousand%. Yeah, you need to be slightly delusional because the dream is so ridiculous. It's so you there's there can't be any part of you that's like do people really want to hear what I have to say or am I really funny. I mean it's just like and I you know had done plays so I was felt comfy on stage. Mhm. But that's what's so funny when you know there's a a kid that I'm not mentoring but just giving advice to every time he asks and he's unfortunately looking for you know I think with just clips and everything now he's just like he's looking for shortcuts and I'm like I don't want to tell him not to do it but I'm like man you're just like you're not focused on kind of what I was telling you which is control what you can control which is getting on stage all the time writing all the time living a life worth writing about is what I tell this kid a lot because I'm like if you find self. He's a little too isolated. And I'm like, you need to get your job back. So, you're just accumulating life experience, having things to to pull from. But, uh, yeah, I can't imagine starting now. Well, it's got to be cuz he's so focused on like I got to get that clip. Uh-huh. Now, it's got to it's a different sort of environment, right? The clip environment. Like, that's how guys are promoting their work now. It's like when it's a blessing and a curse. It's definitely a blessing. The only curse would be because it doesn't preclude you from still doing a lot of open mics. It doesn't preclude you from working and and you know opening for people and but it it can give you like an undo amount of success like if you have like a really good crowd work video and then a bunch of people come out to see you but you really only have 10 minutes. Yeah. You know, which happens to some folks. Yeah. because it's it's tricky and you don't necessarily want people watching you the first year or the first two years or even maybe in the first three. Oh, my mom came out to see me too soon and it was bad. I did a joke. Let me see if I can remember it. I said something about I was raised so stupid. Just a classic misdirect. I go like I was raised by a single mom. I grew up with just my mom and my sister. So, so I was like sensitive and blah blah blah and making a joke about maybe being gay because I was raised by two women. So, I go, "So, my mom taught me to like be kind and and nice and take a guy out to dinner before you lick his asshole." And like would get about this response and then I would go, "Just kidding. I wouldn't take him to dinner, bro." That was maybe my third time on stage. And my mom came to that show. It's my sweet mom, little Jew from Oklahoma, and she just I remember after the show she just goes, "Did you have fun?" Did you? But the delusion to think like, "I don't care if mom's here. I'm doing the joke I wrote." I mean, if you can call that a joke, but Well, yeah. Well, it's also part of being young, too. When you're young, you just especially dudes, we're just stupid. We are. Yeah. And you think you could do anything, dumbass. But but eventually you can, you know, that's the thing. It's like you're going to have to suck at the beginning. It's just with everything you do. You know, if you picked up ping pong tomorrow, you're going to [ __ ] suck. I thought about that. Ping pong. I thought about trying to I love ping pong. Do you? Oh, I love it. Really? Oh, I [ __ ] love it, dude. It's so It's probably how I don't know how pool is for you, but like it's relaxing. Even though I know it's a little And it's And I shoot the [ __ ] a lot with whoever I'm playing with. It's a real like mindless almost. Um because I don't play video games really anymore. And uh What happened? Why'd you stop? moved out of my apartment, left the table there. I have space now. I have a house. I should [ __ ] definitely buy one. I They'll suck you back into that dark hole. That dark pong hole. That dark hole of video games. Um I feel games are too good right now. Oh, I dude. Give me No thanks, dude. They're too good. I played Halo over last holidays with my brother and I I was really high. He was not. And I started to like I just had panic attacks. It was too real. My heart was palpitating. I was just like he and he he got in my head. He was like, "Dude, I can't believe you let our guy die." And I was like, "Whoa." He's like, "He's got a family." I was like, "Can I [ __ ] It was asked too much." Yeah. Maybe it's not for you. No. Jamie, what was that? Did I send you that thing with those goggles that you could use on Steam? Yeah, dude. Your brain is awesome. New headset. I'm so glad we're going back to this cuz when you brought up the goggles earlier, I was like, "Fuck, we got off that." But I'm really curious about that. So, thanks for getting us back there. This steam goggles is uh some new thing that I saw that there's like a a component that goes on the outside and there's a battery pack and it can either directly sync up to your computer or it works as a standalone and it's showing you like AR all the video games that are on Steam. Mhm. It seems [ __ ] nuts, right? Yeah. That's kind of available now though already, right? But there's a new one that's supposed to be even better. That's That's the one that I sent you. I sent you that video, right? Yeah. But I'm just saying like this it's not uh I don't want to [ __ ] on it too bad, but it's not uh Please do. It's not cuz I want it. Yeah. It's not unfortunately like you can do this now. Okay. But my point is this is supposed to be really good. The new one and you you could play games. Yep. Like what games are on Steam? Does Steam Steam have Quake? So that that's a misunderstanding. I think you're misunderstanding that a little bit. You can't play any game that's on Steam. That's not what that meant, I guess. So VR games are available through Steam and you generally have to connect a wire or something. I remember had that giant setup we used to have back in the day. We were playing one of those games all through Steam. Okay. And we had it set up through a wire. Yeah. And so like the on like an Oculus headset, which is what this is sort of comparing itself to, right? You have to download those games directly to that or like on have it connected to your phone, right? And without an extra wire or another device, you couldn't easily play Steam games before recently, but you kind of can now. And so that they've updated the device to be like, "Okay, we'll do that too now. We can just put all that tech in a This is my question, the obvious one. How long before you can play VR Quake?" That's They'd have to develop that and they're not I don't think that they want to. And also on a multidirectional trip, it's too fast. You'd get sick. You would throw up. You'd get sick. Yeah, you'd get sick. We're fine. Yeah, you get sick. There's no good movement. I'd be fine. There's no good movement. I'd feel great. I'm just saying there's I'd do it fasted. Yeah, it's not I I could put the roller coaster thing on for you right now. You probably get real hard. It's real hard. No, I'm sure. I'm kidding. But I want to try. I just feel like if they really did VR Quake and you're you're on one of those tre You ever see those? They strap you in at the waist. These treadmills. No. And it's like a circle and you can run in any direction. No. Yeah. It's like a contained circle. Cool. What are they called? multi-directional treadmills. Is that what they're called? Omni omniirectional treadmills. So, it's like um it's kind of like you're attached with like cables and you just run on this treadmill and you know, you're running and shooting at things and like you're probably getting some legitimate exercise. 10,000% you are. Especially if you're doing some game where you got to run from zombies. You know, you're running you're [ __ ] gunning them down and you're running and gunning down zombies. Probably amazing. Disney developed something that's not available yet. They call it the hollow tile, which is an updated version of that, which doesn't have to be on a treadmill. Like, you're you're not attached to anything. This guy's just standing still and walking. Whoa. But this again, like, but wait a minute. Are they like beads? That How is that working? Dr. Disney. I don't [ __ ] Okay, but that doesn't seem like you can go fast. Well, that's the You can't really go fast in this either. You can't go fast. I'm No one No one has. Your mom these if if everyone really liked it and it was that good. I would. Me and Red Band would have I was going to say Redband is all over this, right? Yeah, we And it's just It's not that good. Well, what's it look like now? Let me see what we got. Let me see a dude doing it. Total game changer. Look at that guy's sandals. And tell me if you want to be him. Wait, here's his David O verified buyer. Let me read this. That dude's got sandals with socks on. I love my Omni1. It has been a total game changer. Game changer. In just four months of thrilling action-packed gaming, it has shattered my weight loss plateau and dropped an incredible 40 additional pounds. All while having an absolute blast. See, that's what I was thinking. Like, it'd be legitimate exercise. Are those Oh, that's his sneakers. They're strapped in. I thought he was wearing socks with sandals. I was like, that is the wackiest [ __ ] I've ever seen. That seems kind of how you have to do it, though. Most people don't want to be active while they're playing video games. It's just like they're counterintuitive things. Yeah. Yeah. But we're not talking about most people, Jamie. We're talking about We're talking about a couple of athletes, right? I'm talking about me wanting that thing in my life. So when when he's running on that thing, what does it look like? Can we show me a video of someone using one? Like I'd be down to go to the prehistoric era and chase, fight, kill, whatever it is, dinosaurs, but be moving and shaking, right? Versus just being stationary. Yeah. I want to run from stuff. I want bats chasing. It's virtual reality. It should be as real as possible. Supposed to be scary. I mean, that's And also, you get a workout in. Ooh, that looks actually kind of cool. Look how he's leaning so far forward there to do that. Like that's not comfortable. But is he doing that on purpose? I probably not. He's probably trying to make it work. Oh bro, this looks awesome. You're You are not dissuading me. This looks amazing. This does look awesome. This could be the only The problem too, this could be the only game that works on I want to shoot those things. You got to get Martin Phillips in this. What other is what other things are happening in that game? I but this is kind of my point with all VR I've tried to tell you before. If someone made a really good game by now, 10 years into this, everybody would know about it. We would have talked about it a bunch. Yeah. Okay. It's just not What games can you play with this setup? I I've never I don't know. I don't know anybody that's ever used on on the outside of his shoes. What What are those? He's got something on the outside of his It's like a strapped on thing just like the other one was. It's so funny to see how far we've come. Remember the Nintendo trackpad? I mean, dude, we are just leaps and bounds past that. I think those things must have some sort of a sensor that lets you know where the foot is at any given time. That makes sense, right? So, the game would know that would be the way the game would detect whether or not you're moving forward. Oh, this seems so awesome. Well, with all the stuff they do with the motion capture for the sports games is pretty incredible. But if you could play games like Quake where you could actually be holding up a plastic rifle and you're running down these hallways shooting down monsters and [ __ ] Well, think about playing if you were playing like a Madden and you could like feel the impact of taking a hit or running like I did that was not it was in the middle of this uh you know those gel blaster things. What's that? It's like Tony gives away Kill Tony. BB gun. Yeah, it's like a little BB gun. Yeah, it's in the gel blaster gel bl it's little gel BB's I guess. Okay, they've hooked it up and made it computerized and you have sensors on like VR or like laser tag. It's in the middle of laser tag. They put up giant things for you to run around and it's scoring the whole time. Little voices talking to you say like good job you did it. Like watch your health, get back, you got to hide, reload. Birthday party idea. Joe, have you ever done paintball? That was really fun. I did paintball when I lived in Boston. There was this place that had like it was like a warehouse that had all black lights and you had neon paintballs. Oh my god. And you had wars like with other teams. It was so much fun. The best outdoors. Oh yeah. They [ __ ] light you up. It's real pain. Yeah. When they hit you, you're like, "Oh [ __ ] that hurts. Actually hurts." I got one the lower back [ __ ] It's fun. It is fun. It's very exciting. They still do it, right? Yeah. Oh, [ __ ] yeah. They do it. People get super serious. They have like really sophisticated paintball guns now where they can shoot like multiple rounds like semi-automatic paintball guns. Like a big giant bottle at the bottom filled with paintballs. Yeah, it's crazy. My My buddy did one for a work um like team bonding thing. Oh. He's like it did not end well. Like people were [ __ ] just It was almost like a work conference where people got [ __ ] up and maybe cheated. It was just like a version of just people taken out. Oh no. just people be, you know, just cheap shots and also people getting hit and going after people they didn't like and Yeah. but you know. Yeah. So getting their Oh no. People getting their aggressions out on their employees and shooting them. [ __ ] you, Joyce. Sally, you shot her in the face. She's on your team. Well, I made it better. [ __ ] is never on my team. I'm [ __ ] pulling hair. [ __ ] Oh my god. High heels in the air. That's so funny. Oh my god. She's never on my team. [ __ ] that [ __ ] You imagine having to work with someone you hate. Imagine like eight hours every day with someone you [ __ ] hate. Doing something you hate with someone you hate. Some shitty [ __ ] person you share a cubicle with. No, man. No. Right next to you. Yeah. Right next to you talking [ __ ] That [ __ ] [ __ ] And there's no way to spin it. Yeah. Nah. You're stuck. And then you got to like behave with the office culture and I bagged groceries at Albertson's for a little bit and there were some people there that sucked but like you know I didn't see them every like yeah you're moving around moving around. Yeah you're doing stuff. Oh but if you're locked in a cube what a bummer. That's a [ __ ] horrible way to live life. [ __ ] Thank god we were delusional. Thank god right. We need more delusional people out there. That's why I'm a big supporter of Aderall. Like more people should All right. Quick little sponsor. Yeah. I did it once. Did you? I did it once and I went out to I was doing uh it was a year after I graduated and my buddy was like come out to the West Hollywood Halloween party with me. He's like it's supposed to be crazy like 200,000 people. I don't know if you ever in LA saw that. It was like up and down Santa Monica Boulevard just the ultimate chaos right in the uh the gay part of LA. And so I was like, "Oh, I'm going to do some content then." So I got my buddy with a camera to like interview people cuz the costumes Jeff Scott from the store used to go down there all the time. the costume. He would build elaborate costumes. People would spend I mean I talked to a guy who said he spent 80 grand on a full Batman suit. I'm not joking. So I and and there was a guy there was a guy Adam and Eve. They were just buck naked with a couple things and I'm just talking to everybody. I think I I may have taken off my YouTube but uh I was so tired and my buddy was like, "You want an Adderall?" And I've never done it. And Joe, I felt inc I have never done it since that was 2006. I felt unbelievable. Dude, that's what scares me. I felt unbelievable and I was locked in, dude. You were selling me something right there. You were ready to sell some real estate. Sorry. I've never snapped at anybody. It was a bit I wasn't caring. Yeah. It's weird, right? Yeah. I was so focused, but I didn't feel like my heart was racing too fast. It was incredible. That's the problem. It sounds incredible. It's like when Hunter Biden describes crack. Like that sounds incredible. Well, man, the only reason I didn't do it is because it sound too good. Yeah. Yeah. You know, under my administration, we had the first black mermaid. Who's that? Biden. Who's the black mermaid? The Little Mermaid that was black. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Yeah, I missed that. I missed that outrage. It's okay. Yeah, I Great name for a title of a special. Outrage. I missed that outrage. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's a little long. No, it's not bad. Missed that outrage. You jamming on on another one? I am putting together material now. You know that the weird process of subtraction, deletion, addition, expansion. It's like [ __ ] around. I'm doing it at my own pace. Yeah. So, I'm not thinking about I'm just thinking about having fun and um doing things that I find interesting. Like, you know, it's like you don't need to I mean, what what's up? Go ahead. No, I was going to say having a club and having to not go on the road is huge. Yeah. And it gives you a chance to like I think sometimes when uh I don't know, a lot of people have this issue like you do a special and then you're supposed to go on tour like four or five months later and you don't really have enough material yet. So you start putting together stuff that you think will work rather than stuff that you really like. Whoa. You know. Yep. So that's that's where my head's at. Yeah. Just talk about stuff you really like. And sometimes it's it's hard like the subjects that I'm really interested in right now. Some of them are just not that funny. They're just too weird. It's hard to figure out a way to make some of these ideas into comedy when you're giving yourself ample time to marinate and play around if you don't have like a I I'm going to shoot something in Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Having I guess there's again goals are good too. Totally. Because they force you to work. They force you to like you have like a sense of urgency. I think at a certain point in time a goal is good too. But I also think there's a meandering period that's important. Got to explore. Yeah. You otherwise you get to get stuck. Yeah. I'm doing my first weekend at the mothership in February. I'm fired up. Oh [ __ ] Yeah. I'm fired up. Very exciting. I mean, just being there uh last night, Shane brought me up, man. He murdered. It was so [ __ ] so funny. Were you guys on the late show? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. And he I went over to see Queens of the Stone Age. Um they were doing this ACL live. Yeah. Uh, they're here tonight, too. Yeah, Tony's going tonight. They were so good, dude. They're great. They're I met Josh. The first Dr. Phil live show we did, Bird did at the store and he brought Josh and he was just like, "Yeah, Bird told me he was doing the Dr. Phil show and I was like, "What the [ __ ] is that?" And we just became homies and so uh he came uh invited me over there and it was I didn't see that ACL live studio before. It's awesome. It's like a TV studio but it's three levels and it was like a really intimate probably 500. Jamie, have you been there? Yeah. Yeah. That's where that one kill Tony was. Uh I thought you were saying studio. I was confused. Well, it's like a I mean downtown ACL live. Yeah, I've done it. Okay. Oh, wow. I've done that. It was awesome. But they ripped it, dude. They're they're I feel like them Foo Fighters. Like there's a handful of bands that you're just like, you guys are rock stars, dude. And Josh sounds so [ __ ] good vocally. And the band is so dialed in. I mean, there's I think six of them in the group. And uh yeah, it was awesome, man. Yeah, he's a nice guy. I had him on a podcast once back in the day. Back when in the LA days. Yeah. Yeah. We got a Queens of the Stone Age poster up in the green room. Tony showed it to him. He's like, "Oh, that's [ __ ] great. Awesome." Yeah. Adam gave it to me. I was like, "Oh, this is so such a cool photo and blows." Yeah. My friend Josh gave me this poster. I want to have it, but Norm liked him, too. I don't know. It's good to see you, man. That's pretty close. It's all right. It's all right. It's pretty close. You want to know when I first met Adam Eaggan? Love this guy. I don't think I've ever told you this story. The Tempe Improv when he was booking the Temp Improv. That's when I met him. Uh he 2010, so I'm three years into doing standup. He comes to Hollywood improv. He's trying to just scout like, you know, young comics to come out and feature at the improv. He they gave him jurisdiction to start bringing people out to like feature and just, you know, we'll we'll fly you out uh put you up. And so I meet him at the improv and he's like, "Man, I think you should come out and do you ever know Jim Florentine? Yeah, maybe you can feature for Jim Florentine." I end up breaking my ankle playing an outdoor basketball game with Sam Tripoli. Shattered my ankle and couldn't go. And then Matt Broner was going to be there in December. And he's like, you know, you can do the Broner weekend, but like it's also the holiday show, so you got to be clean. And I was like, fine, I'll just take out the F-P bombs. I was not filthy. Aside from that, I did have one joke that was this like PSA joke about how like, you know, it's all these celebrities talking about things that you like can't really relate to. You need like a guy. It was always like, you know, um, you know, uh, Johnny Depp being like, you know, you need to read more to your kids, you know, blah blah blah. And then it would be I was like, why isn't there a guy that's just like, "What's up? My name's Cameron. Life gets tough, you know. Uh, so make sure to umh tell your doctor to put please refill on your Vicodin order. That way you can sell the pills for 10 bucks a piece to your deadbeat pill popping friends and finally get enough cash to buy that 20-in Fizzio flat screen that your [ __ ] ex-girlfriend said was going to take up too much space in the apartment. Well, good thing she showed you her bipolar side cuz now you're free from her [ __ ] annex. [ __ ] you, Beth, you dumb [ __ ] And I have like a PSA at the end of it. I did that at the show and I said, "Cunt." And uh and I got fired from the weekend. And Adam comes up to me and he goes, "Oh man, you put me in a tough position, man. I got to fire you." And I was like, "What?" And he goes, "I told you to be clean." I go, "I know. I totally [ __ ] up. I rolled the dice. They had me go up and do 10 and then five and then 10 again." And I was crushing and it was great, but they the the owner at the time, I think he's passed, was super like conservative Christian. And even though all the holiday parties were coming up to me and being like, "Dude, super funny. It was great." Adam's like, "Dude, we have to like the manager at the time, this guy named Eddie, uh, was like, "We got to get this guy out of here because if there are complaints, then we like we got rid of the problem, you know, and meanwhile, I'm looking up and I'm seeing Broner kind of cursing and whatever." And the manager was like, "Well, he's the headliner." And I was like, "Oh, I think I'm being used as a scapegoat, but I get it cuz I did tell Adam I'd be clean and I [ __ ] up." Adam though comes over with me. He felt bad that I felt bad that I [ __ ] up and he we go to the bar next door. We rip it up. we chat and we stayed in touch and like he didn't like hold it against me and then uh still a homie to this day. Yeah, he's a good dude. You know, that's uh you're not supposed to say [ __ ] when you're on a clean show. Part of the thing you have to and I was up until that point, it was the last joke I did and I just rolled the dice and I started doing it and I wasn't savvy enough to like I was like this is how it ends. Have you always been able to like do impressions like this? Is there what is that? I don't know. Just cuz you do a lot of impressions. Pretty good year. Yeah. Yeah. Where'd that come from? When did you start doing that? Impersonating um teachers and friends as a kid. I think I was a real big kid and there was a girl that every the first impression I remember doing was this girl named Annie and she was like the young hot girl in school and everybody had a crush on her and my I had bigger tits than her. I was a real big kid and she had a real big crush on my buddy. So, I remember I prank called my buddy as her with a couple other friends, like pretending to be her, calling him and and he believed it and we had like a 20-minute conversation. Fourth grade. Yeah. Let me hear what it sounds like. Well, I can act I can remember I can tap into how I would do it cuz it was like in the back of my throat. It was like really like, "Hey, Evan, what's going on?" Obviously, my voice is way deeper now, but that's what I would do. That would be a problem. I'd be like, "Who the [ __ ] is this and how big's your dick? This is crazy." I'll send you a link. Uh so then I would start doing what size shoe do you wear, Evelyn? Evelyn, you're killing the comedy names for these bits. Uh so teachers, friends, and then I did uh I went to my friend's like water sports camp that was like all it was a Christian water sports camp, but they I was buddies with them. So like, yeah, you can come and like just skip the Jesus talk, I guess. Even though the guy tried to convert me. He was like, "I know you're a Jew, but you're the only Jew here." I was like, "Yeah, but this doesn't feel like a conversation we need to have about that." He was trying to convert you. Yeah. What? How'd he do it? I can't totally remember, but it was something about the sucking your dick. It did a little bit. Yeah. Letting Jesus into my heart. He's like, "And Jesus would love to see if you could fit around this." Um, but I remember for the talent show, I did like I did a bunch of impressions. I did like what I do. I did a I think a Clinton and a Cosby and a that aged well. And then I did uh a master splinter from Ninja Turtles and like Mike Tyson. I just I don't know. I think I always have a pretty good ear. But like but I want to go back to how this guy tried to convert you. Oh, he had a Bible. He wouldn't He just sat I got out of it pretty quick cuz I was like I'm here for the jet skiing and the camaraderie and he was like I think you're really missing out on letting Christ into your heart. He's like And he kept asking me like is life going great for you? I'm like I don't know. My mom's holding down four or five jobs. Like I can afford, you know, she didn't buy me Jordans, but I got the I got the Patrick Euings. You know, we're doing okay. And uh he just kept trying to be like, "You could be doing better than you are now, and Jesus will fix that." Was like kind of the moral story. Wow. Jesus is going to fix your whole He went hard in the paint. Yeah. Whole life. He's like, "Do you know why your dad left?" Whoa. He did not. I swear to God. Yeah. He brought up a little divor cuz because you didn't have Jesus in your heart. I don't know if he was going. If he didn't have Jesus in his heart, that was probably insinuated. If you found Jesus, how does the dad get back in your life? Great question. Doesn't he doesn't? This is terrible logic. Yeah. Yeah. He went hard in the paint. He was a young guy, too. Those are always sus. Those young hard in the paint guys are very sus. Yeah. He was trying to I think he was almost like he's a young door to door salesman. He was like, "If I can convert the Jew on this camp, maybe I'll get my I'll get Delta status. I'll be a gold medallion on this." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a it's a weird one, right? But the uh but the voices I just I don't know an an ear for it, I guess, you know, like being but I don't even having doing the character stuff and having being able to actually transform helps a lot. Being able to like see myself bring that guy into your act, the the guy I really should to be honest with you. Yeah, 100%. So Johnny Depp and the guy who's always trying to convert everyone to Jesus and Jesus will fix everything that's wrong. Everything. Everything that's wrong, I guess. And I I just I didn't know enough about it to give him uh I don't know. I also just like I don't know, man. I'm pretty reformed with Judaism. Anyway, like you know, when I was in college, um when I was at UMass, there was this girl that was in my class, this really hot Puerto Rican girl with glasses. She was so pretty and she was really friendly. And uh she kept inviting me to these things like uh she invited me to this weekend retreat that her and her friends were going to. And I was like, "Whoa, this is crazy. this really hot girl's inviting me to go to this thing like you know I felt like I was kind of a loser like why is she inviting me this is crazy um but I couldn't go I had an event but I forget what I had I think I had a fight I forget I was still competing back then I think um and so then might not have been might who I don't know what the [ __ ] it was might have been a comedy show back then actually now I think about it was probably early 90s so uh when I was uh in class we we all found out that there was a plane crash. It was one of the Trump planes. Trump had an airline for a while. I don't know if you remember this. No. Trump Air. Yeah. And one of the planes, the landing gear didn't come out right. And the plane like skid across the oneway and the people lived and they were fine. So, I'd heard about it and they were all sitting eating lunch. So, I went into the lunchroom and I said, "Hey, did you guys hear about the plane crash?" And they go, "No." I go, "Yeah, this is crazy." I go, "Um, everybody lived. What happened was the plane skid to the runway and the landing gear didn't come off. So, it's like just the bottom of the plane, but everybody lived. And then the late the hot Puerto Rican girl goes, "Oh, praise God. Praise God." Then they all started saying, "Praise God. Praise God." And I was like, "Oh, you guys are trying to get me to go to a religious retreat." I'm like, "Okay." I thought you were going to the Bang B. So then I started asking questions. So I'm like, "So are you guys like hardcore Christians? like, "What are you guys?" And they're like, "Yes, you know, and what we we wanted to invite you to, you know, take Jesus into your life and to join us in this retreat." I was like, "Yeah, I'm not going to do that." But, but thank you for that. Now I know why you wanted me to go. I thought she liked me. Bummer. It was a bummer. Yeah. But made made more sense. I was like, "Okay, that makes sense." Yeah. They're trying to recruit. And that's how they do it. They get this hot girl to recruit people. Yeah. I mean, smart on their part. Smart. But I wonder what it was really because it seemed a little cultish. seemed really odd. It wasn't just like, you know, there's a lot of Christians that I know that are great people and if you told them about a plane crash, they'd be like, "Oh, thank God. Thank God." But it would be like a normal way to say thank God. You know what I mean? It was a weird praise God. Praise God. They were all saying, "Praise God." And it was it was odd. It wasn't as simple as, "Oh, thank God everybody's okay." Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. Yeah. Thank God. You know, oh, I I pray for those people that they they Okay, that's normal. Yeah. There's something about praise God. And all of them saying it. I was like, "Oh, no. God damn it. Drink this, Joseph." It was like like I was in a a zombie movie where everybody was turning. I was like, "Oh." A woman came up to me after my show last weekend and goes, "I heard you talk about being nervous flying on stage and I ran to my car and I know you're a Jew, but I brought you a Bible." And I I go, "Um, I think I'm all right." And she goes, "Well, wouldn't you like to know like where you're going when you die if the plane goes down?" I go, "My to be honest, no. I'm I'm rocking out to my favorite Phil Collins song, hoping that the plane reroutes itself and we actually live. I if the plane is shaking in a certain way, I don't just go, "All right, well, at least I'm going I'm like, "Fuck no, I hope we get out of this." But she was like, "Oh, well, you wouldn't just" and and then she kept pushing it and she was like, "I really think Jesus." And she kept going off. And then I go, with all due respect, like, I thought you just came in line to take a picture and say hello. You know, I hope you had a good time at the show. She goes, I'm going to go try that guy. And it's my opener. I go, he's more Jewy than I am, so best of luck. And she went over to him and I just see him going like, you know, be like I tried to be nice and be like, you know, it's and I was very I tried to be very, you know, sweet and be like, "Thanks, but no thanks." But just so pushy, man. There's a lot of people that it gives them validation. She didn't like you'll follow what they're doing like and they also want to like guide you. They want to help you. She thought I was not control you. Yeah. I got no problem if you're like I want to shoot my shot and see if you're into this. But once I was like no thanks. But then she there was a shift in her eyes of like o you're this. Well, she really believes it. She's probably schizophrenic. She's probably like got a mild touch. Just a touch of the skits. Touch of the skits. A touch of the skit. There a lot of folks out there with a touch. I don't think schizophrenic is all full-blown. There's a lot of people that are just like oddly out of touch. We just got to go. I don't think you and I are experiencing the same game. I'm trying to cross the sidewalk. You're trying to eat it. You're on some weird level where you're not seeing things the way everybody else does. Very weird. But some people are like that and they ruin the idea of religion for a lot of folks because it's like you associate religion with like cooks, you know. Yeah. It's Yeah. I don't know to to need being a good person is a pretty easy formula, too. That's I have one friend that's just so God bless him. He's just so hardcore conservative Christian and I'm like, do you need all that to justify being a good person? Like, isn't it like there's some golden rules you can follow of treating people the way you want to be treated? What? It's he's just it's just too much in my opinion, you know? But yeah. Well, I think it's a good it's like a good scaffolding for for morals and ethics. That's the best thing about religion. And if you follow people that are like devoutly religion, most religions, there's a few religions that preach some sort of some pretty radical violence. But the for the most part, what they're trying to get you to do is be a better person. They're trying to get you to follow morals and ethics and don't lie and, you know, love your neighbor and be a kind person. Totally. But you can do that without it, can't you? You can, but it helps. Yeah, it really does. And there's something about like going to a church where everybody has the same thought. You're all there for the same reason. Yeah. You're all there to give your your mind like give your your consciousness like think about the the concept of this higher power and think about what these lessons that are in the Bible really refer to and what they really mean and what actually really probably happened. And it's interesting because you meet like the nicest people that do that. They So it does work. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you could get hung up in the weeds about whether or not you believe, you know, Adam and Eve were the first real people. Like that seems a little sus. You know, the whole Noah's arc, like what? That seems a little sus. But I think outside of that, what you're really dealing with is a bunch of stories where people trying to accurately depict real events, but doing it after hundreds of years of just telling stories by the campfires and and a lot of it's distorted by translations. A lot of it's distorted over time. But I think they were trying to say something something very profound. And I don't know what really happened, but I think what they're trying to do is give you some sort of a history of human beings on Earth. It's just a very weird one because if you get into the Old Testament, like the Old Testament has some wild [ __ ] in it, man. You get into like Ezekiel story of seeing the wheel within a wheel in the sky and like heads of animals and all the like what the [ __ ] did you see? Yeah, I got to finish first. We don't got time for that. But people that follow Christianity, that actually do follow it and are like real Christians, are some of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. So my point about that is like you can get hung up on the weeds on whether or not you think it's a stupid thing to do, but man, it works. It makes for nicer people. Sure. And so that's why I support it. I support that idea of any religion that makes you like even Mormons. It's kind of ridiculous. There's there's a guy, Joseph Smith, who wrote it. He was 14. Yeah, who seems to be a little bit of a con man, you know, said he found golden tablets that contain the lost work of Jesus. And when they said, "Well, where is it?" Oh, the angels came and took it away because they didn't think you believed. Only he could read it cuz he had a magic rock. Like, okay, that's crazy. Wow. You get your own planet when you die. What? Yeah. Okay. But yeah, Mormons are the nicest [ __ ] people on Earth. Totally. They are the nicest [ __ ] friendliest, sweetest people. And now they have their own show, The Secret Wives of Mormon. Do they? I haven't watched it. It's like incredibly popular. Is it? Yeah. Is it any good? I tried to watch one episode. I think my wife's into it. It's a It's definitely a You think she's into it? It's a real It's a real housewives type show. Oh, yeah. But they're getting the girl from it apparently is now going to be the new Bachelorette. So, that's how popular it got. I saw an ad the other day for the Golden Bachelor. They're letting old people [ __ ] bro. It's Yeah. Did the old people get after It's Bro, it's The guy was like 77. The woman was like 74, but she looks 73. Wa. And they get after it. It's like Yeah. It's like, do they make out? Oh, bro. They they they're I mean, it's really It's like they've got one last shot at love. Is that really what they're saying? Yeah. It's like Yeah. We'll see if when they wake up from their nap if this match is really a true match. Oh boy. Yeah. And they've all lost somebody. I mean, I watched the first season. It was gripping. Oh. Um, there's something about being lonely and old. It's Well, they've all all their, you know, the Bachelor, the Bachelor and Bachelorette are just like, you know, my name's Kimberly and um, you know, I'm 29 and like I'm just tired of [ __ ] boys and Golden Bachelor, she's like, my name's Teresa. I'm 75. My husband died four years ago and I don't know if I'll ever see another penis, but I hope I do. I'm paraphrasing, but she's jumping back in. And the guy was like, "Dude, Prince Charming." He looked like Vince McMahon. [ __ ] Pat Sjack. What was the one where they It turned out to be a creep though, by the way. He told, let me say this real quick. There, this report just came out. One of the girls goes, "Who got picked? The Golden Bachelor picked her." And she goes, "Yeah, they split shortly after cuz he was just [ __ ] a lot of people. This guy was 75. He was just cheating on her." She goes, "Yeah, he took me on a walk and said, "If I ever kill you, this is where I'll chop you up and leave your body." That report came out like three or four days ago. Whoa. That's what the Golden Bachelor said. Did they vet this fella? There he is. That guy said that. Jerry, I think. And Teresa. Jesus. He looks like a guy who would chop you up. Why say that? Looks like a guy that would say it at least. Oh, yeah. What was that show where they had um these young guys like these older ladies like Mils? Mil Island. Yes. And then it turns out to be the sons of the other ladies on the show and they start hooking up. Stop, dude. Yes. Stop. That's a real I couldn't even bring myself to watch it. You host that, dude. I don't want that. You should have hosted that, dude. I already hosted people eating animal dicks on TV. I think it's a special place. Brilliantly, by the way. Thank you. That was such a good show, man. Mil Manor. Mil Manor. So, that's the story, right? Like they brought in the sons of the other ladies. Let me see. They put out a trailer and they were very vague about what the [ __ ] Yeah, that's what it is. I mean, like these hot mils and then, you know, they have like 20-year-old sons and then the 20-year-old sons in the island just banging your mom's friend. Why isn't there just anal island at this point? I mean, we're so close. It's like there some of these even love. That's a lot. Yeah, right. There's probably a a porn you can get. I bet if you just Google Anal Island, use your VPN cuz we're in Texas. You have to say you're in Maryland otherwise you can't get online. Oh, loophole. Yeah, there's a thing where in Texas you have to show government ID. In season two of Mil Manor, they've added Oh my god. They brought in the fathers to uh get in the mix. So, it's the son versus the fathers. Oh god, it's a [ __ ] orgy. Disgusting multi-generational orig Where are they now? Where are the start? I mean, there only two seasons. It's pretty new. How's it doing? Great question. Here's the thing. It's like, who the [ __ ] is watching TV? The moms are really not much older than me, which is tough. Who would have ever thought that? Yeah, that's great. How old are the moms? Oh, almost all in their 40s. There's a couple in their And they hot. Let me see some photos. See what they got to be. See what we're dealing with. Yeah, because you know, you got to fit. There's a lot to choose from out there. A lot of mils want to get on TV want to be on Mil Manor. If you had a mil show, you'd probably find quite a few candidates out there in the world, I think. So, yeah. Let's see what we What do we got here, Jamie? It's on HBO. See some of the It's on HBO. Is there a host for the show? Wait, this is on HBO. The pl the [ __ ] place that brought you The Sopranos now brings you Mil Manor 2. Are you [ __ ] kidding me? We're heading to the wrong place. Is it really on HBO? It's not Didn't give me Hot Single Moms dab a unique. Is it really in the HBO show? TLC show. So it's the HBO. Oh, I see. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Why do I feel better about that? I was like, [ __ ] HBO goes from Game of Thrones to this. Ooh, a lot of pretty ladies. Okay. They look good. Yeah. Yeah. If there's some 20-year-old dudes. Yeah, sure. Especially that black lady. Very hot. Jeez. Okay. There's the father and son. Oh boy. Oh my god. Yeah, we're banging it out. Pops. Wait, so they're Oh, so the guys are taking their shirts off and [ __ ] Okay, let's get sad. Yikes. Mommy man or two. This what this weird culture of everybody wanting attention. So strange. Reality t. Yeah. I mean, it's so odd. 15 minutes of fame and then you can take that 15 minutes and turn it into a podcast or a is that the most popular type of television these days is reality TV. Is that the most like what is popular these days? I think so. that in like true crime docks and then I'd say um but like regular TV limited serious you know I just watched is the Murdo um you know that that's a whole story the Murda guy Alex Murdo killed his wife and son and um no the lawyer man have you heard of this James there this happened probably I think 2011 um high uh powerful lawyer in the I think the Midwest and his son uh was driving drunk in a boat accident and with all his friends and uh and one of the girls flew off the boat and died. And so the dad shows up at the hospital. He's just super powerful dude and was already like stealing money from his like business, but he like went into like the thing and tried to like curb the story to the other kids being like, "Who was driving the boat?" That type of [ __ ] And then the story got real just uh slippery and whatever. And everyone was like, "Oh." And then the kid got off because of the dad and the family tried to sue and it just didn't really happen cuz the dad was so powerful. And then come to find out that uh the dad is stealing money from the business and then the mom and him are having a bad relationship and the kid is getting bullied and teased and then he ends up murdering his uh he ends up murdering his wife and youngest son because he's got a pillow problem. He's going to go to jail for um uh for um uh you know tax evasion and moneyaundering and stealing from his business and and uh anyway he's now serving life in prison. Holy [ __ ] Joe, you I I don't know what you watch but it's um Dude, Patricia Arquette and Jason Clark are unfucking real, dude. I just finished it uh today. Oh, so it's a recreation documentary. Well, the dock is also just happened too. It just happened. They're still I think some events are still being unfolded. The dock is also incredible. But what's the official trailer that you just showed me? That's a different thing. Oh, so this was the Netflix two years ago. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's the documentary. Yes. So, the show just came out dramatization, but you know, but they have all the facts. And Joe, it's it's wild how they uh end up finding out that it's him. He did not cover his bases at all. I mean, he but he tried to he tried to like throw the phones away and then he drove to his mom's as like an alibi. Look how creepy his hands look in that photo. What's going on with that? Why is his hands covered in blood? Oh man. probably just to allude to the murder, but I guess so like that that to me like but again it's murder and it's drama and it's uh a limited series. I think it was just eight episodes. People are into that stuff, bro. But the reality kill your wife and your son. Yeah. Crazy. just to just to uh create a distraction basically and be like and victimize himself to be like he say killed his wife and his son who he said it was people that were probably coming after for the whole boat accident because the town had kind of turned on the family being like the kid got away with it cuz he's a powerful attorney and they whatever and so he tried to go and he cried and they came and he was like I think [ __ ] these probably the guys that were upset about the boat thing and we've been getting all these hate hateful people coming after us and yeah how long did he get away with it? He even cried on the stand. He still to this day snot coming out of his nose. Yeah. He still to this day maintains his innocence. But they put everything together, dude. And on the phone, there's a phone that his son had before you hear the dad says he wasn't down at the kennels when they were saying uh bye to the dogs before the mom took off and was like, "I'm going to divorce you. I'm going to live at our beach house." So, he also was sad about that. And there's the son had his phone out videotaping the dog and you hear Alex in the background talking and he said he wasn't there. So that was a big red flag where it was like, "Dude, you're on the [ __ ] video." Oh god. Any kind of guy that's like willing to murder his son and his wife is not thinking straight. He said he was on pills. What kind of pills is he on? Man, oxies or something, I think. So, yeah. Yeah. Something that was just numbing everything, you know? He's in some heroin haze with a gun. Yep. And then he's in jail and his older son comes to visit him. He's like, "Dad, did you do this? What's going on?" He's like, "Dude, look at me. Of course not. Why would I why would I kill your mother? He's like, there was somebody out there. And he goes He's like, I'm sorry I lied about being there. I was there, but I I was there and then I left and then I went to go visit your grandma and then that's when it happened. I mean, the timeline just doesn't I mean, it doesn't. So his son's just like like realizing my dad killed my mom. Yeah. And being like, "And you're lying to me. You won't even even in jail, you're just like forever." And then he even goes, he goes, "Thank God I left. Otherwise, they could have, you know, gotten me too." Wild, dude. Imagine just committing that hard to like a just monsters are real. Yeah. There's some people that are just real monsters, you know? Like what do they say? What percentage of people are sociopaths? Like complete sociopaths. They have no empathy for other people. We've clocked that. There's a percentage. I think they think there's like a certain measurable percentage of people that walk amongst us that are complete sociopaths. Whoa. And even if they don't do anything horrible, they really don't care about other people. like they don't have any feelings about other people. Both of those are attached to being a sociopath. Yeah. Yeah. And I think probably there's a connection of narcissism in there too. But okay, 1 to 4%. Uh percentage of people who are sociopaths often associated with antisocial personality disorder is generally estimated to be around 1 to 4% of the general population. More specifically, some studies suggest about 1 to 2% with around 3% of males and 1% of females exhibiting sociopathic tendencies. One notable estimate is that approximately 3 to five Americans could be sociopaths or have ASPD with some sources citing one in 25 people, 4% having as having sociopathic traits. Interesting. Yeah, we got to think sociopaths are disproportionately represented in prison populations. The thing about sociopaths though, I don't know if that's a nature or nurture thing, you know, to have like no empathy. Is that something that happened because of something that happened to you as a baby? Probably. It could be like you you just no one cared about you. You didn't care about anybody. Like you never developed an ability to care. Or is it because I know some people that were terribly treated when they were young, but they're great people. They're kind and sweet because of the fact they were treated so poorly. They're really kind and sweet to other people. You could develop that. But what's the difference though between is it a That's the question. Is it like is something wrong? is like, could you be a good person and still be a sociopath? Like where like you really don't care about other people, but you just do the right thing because it seems like the right thing to do, but like if like just cuz you weren't hugged maybe a ton as a kid or maybe you only Well, I'm guessing at that. I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's a genetic thing. Maybe it's just a weird like you didn't get all the ingredients, you know? Could be. Yeah. What a bummer. Cuz I feel like that's a pretty common human thread to have empathy. Oh, yeah. And compassion. Like that's what's keeps us together. Core traits. Yeah. Yeah. It's like people that don't want that. Like you don't want friends like that. What? You don't care about people? You kind of need empathy and compassion to interact with anybody, don't you? Like in any situation to You could fake it, right? You could fake empathy and compassion. If you're a real sociopath that's got a lot of time like tricking people, like your whole life you've been tricking people, maybe you're a real good politician. Yeah. You know anybody like that? And so then Yeah. And then so you get to this point where that's like you're just really good at pretending that you care about everything and you really care about nothing. Yeah. Yeah. What's your best quality? Mine I have no idea. What do you like what do you if you had to like uh Oh my Are we on a date? This is crazy. You're a likable guy. Like what do you like what's your like I don't know what do you what do you leave with your your outlook at life? I'd say that right? You're a glass half full guy. I have a good outlook. Yeah. But I've also been very lucky you know. So there's a lot of that. Like you have to really take it into You created your own good luck though. Some of it, sure, but some of it is just, you know, you don't get hit in the head by a meteor, you know, you don't die in a car accident. Like there's some of it is just flatout luck. There's part of life that appears to be very random. Sure. You know, and that you can't control. So anybody that's like successful at all, there is a percentage, whatever the percentage is, 30, whatever it is, there's luck. There's luck involved. But you worked everything you did as far as like having this getter attitude and put yourself in positions and then make good on those opportunities, right? 100%. But it's also luck you have to have that too. You have to have a bunch of like things that happen, you know, in the right order. Yeah. for things to work out well because we all know like really talented people that for whatever reason never got it together, you know? Yeah. Like especially in comedy. Yeah. Because there's so many people that we know that were like really talented like they had something special and they just never followed through or they just died or they couldn't deal with the rejection. They couldn't deal with the bombing on stage. They couldn't deal with the hours that you have to put in and they fell fell off. Dude, there was a lot of guys from like the early days where I was like, man, this guy's going to be [ __ ] huge. You think there's more people that like if you started then versus now would drop off because again like we were talking about with clips and just having more ways to be discovered or have more opportunities to they'd have more of a Yeah. Yeah. You had a very few chances back in the day. The chances back in the day were real simple. You had to either get on Evening at the Improv or the MTV half hour comedy hour or Letterman. Letterman was like the golden goose. Uh or the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was running it. If you got on the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was running it, like you could literally legitimately have like a full career. And that a career back then was a club comic. A career was a touring club comic. So you just named four opportunities. Yes. That's [ __ ] They were really hard to get on to. Well, the the Letterman one was the the ones that were easier to get on was like they they filmed a lot of those MTV halfhour comedy hours, so a lot of people got on those and you really only needed like seven minutes. Yeah. So there was a lot of those. Um, and that helped. And then so you could say as seen on MTV's halfhour comedy hour and someone comes see you at the comedy hut. Yeah. And then you're you're out there, you know, working. But there wasn't a lot of things that could turn you into like an act that could draw on the road anywhere. You were basically like, "Oh, this guy was on Comedy Central, so he must be funny. Let's take a chance and go see him." Sure. And then if you did it a bunch of times, you develop like a following in certain cities where people would come back to see you again because they had a good time last time. But now, you know, all you have to do is just have a clip and that clip goes viral and then you're selling out theaters like right away. Yeah. So, it's definitely more opportunity for someone to pop. There was a lot of guys back then that had like great bits and they just [ __ ] never got the show. They never got this. They developed the alcohol problem, whatever it was. Wanted more uh consistent stability and maybe just wanted like income that was Yeah, there's a lot of that, too. Or they get married and have a child and then the wife is like, "Hey, you need to get a regular [ __ ] job. This dream is crazy. It's killing us. You got to be home. You know, you can't go out in the weekends every weekend and make $200. It's crazy, you know. Yeah. My brother-in-law was rapping and and slinging weed and then they got my wife my brother-in-law is a white rapper named Dorte. Shout out. Um and he uh my sister when they got married was like, "Yeah, you can't be doing like she didn't shut down the performing, but she was like, "The the drug stuff's got to Yes. Not good. Yeah. We got kids. Like you shouldn't be a drug. People shouldn't be coming to the house." Yeah. And a daddy. Yeah. Good advice. Yeah. Sound advice from a woman. Yeah. Yeah. She's know she's cleaned them up. Yeah. It's the the dream of trying to make it in the rap world is probably just as hard if not harder than the dream of trying to make it in comedy. Right. He had a nice little run. He I let him close out our Seattle Dr. Phil live show which is cool. Yeah. We did like the Neptune up there which like 1100 seats. My nieces who never he wrapped. How'd it go? Awesome. He murdered. Is he killer? Dirt. Pull him up. Let me hear it. Okay. Um, tell everybody where you're going to be. Uh, tell everybody uh how they can find you online. Yeah. Uh, on tour right now, uh, clubs the rest of the year. Last Dr. Phil Live uh, at the Wilter December 16th. I'm doing the More Theater in Seattle. First theater show home in Seattle December 19th. And then the theater tour, the Who is Me Theater Tour starts uh, in January, goes through April. Uh, adamraycomdy.com. Specials. Like and subscribe on YouTube where you are right now. Um, Adam Ray Comedy Instagram, Twitter, Tik Tok. Are you around tonight? You want to do a set? I'm leaving tonight. I love you, dude. I [ __ ] love you. I had a feeling you were gonna ask and I have to leave right after this. But were we here last night? Yeah, I did. Uh, yeah. I didn't know if I should bug you or just Adam, like what's Oh, just text me. Really? All right. Yeah. Yeah. Anytime you're in town, you can do a set. I love you. I love you, too. Thanks for having me. It was a lot of fun. Always fun. And uh if anybody's ever seen Adam on Kill Tony, they literally are some of the funniest [ __ ] episodes of all time. Thanks, brother. The Dr. Phil one's fantastic. The Biden one's fantastic. You're really good at it, man. I appreciate it, man. Yeah. You called me after the Tony uh ep, which was really cool, man. Insane. I was like, I thought it was a butt dial. It's like I picked it up and I was like, hello. So good. It was so good. I was dying. I was like, "Oh no." I was watching it going, "Oh no." Cuz it was like so dead on. Did you know was happening? No. I had no idea. I had no idea. Yes. I had no idea. You don't go to all of them, right? No, I had no idea that you shut the [ __ ] up. You're just randomly there for that. I thought you told you and that's why you came. No, no, no. I come to a few, you know. I've come to a bunch. Yeah, but I No, that one was awesome. It was awesome. See, the man appreciate you, brother. All right. Bye, everybody. See you guys.